Plans?

Baby is napping, and I should be productive, but i just dont feel like it I’m sober now, as it is daylight; not that this entry will be any more articulate than the previous!

Brandi told me that everyone participates in sneaky behaviors, that its human nature to delete things you dont want people to see, hide certain things from people, even your spouse. Little things or whatever. Hm. Is it human nature? I dont like the feeling that Paul is doing anything sneaky or hiding A THING from me. Like last night, he deleted a whole text conversation, and all that was left was things like "Ok ill stop texting you now" which lead me to believe there was a lot more said RIGHT before that, and he deleted it. I’m not saying it was anything. I shouldnt have even looked at his phone, yeah i know. Im not worried about paul with another girl!! The point is, why would he have to delete anything he does or says? Why would he hide anything from me, if there is nothing wrong with what he’s doing? Which I know there isnt. I guess he would say to avoid a stupid fight, avoid upsetting me over nothing, to avoid having to explain something to me even if there was what he felt to be a simple explanation. I dont want to care about any of it and I know I shouldnt. Most of the time I dont. I dont particularly care right now about this deleted conversation with this person. But it just got me thinking, "hey, thats annoying. why would you delete this?" It pisses me off that he would hide anything from me, because I am the ultimate know it all and i like to be in control. He PUT me in control of our family, really. He has me in charge of everything, including him, but then keeps little things from me. Maybe thats him trying to hold onto some semblance of his own control. Its just irritating. I know most people are going to tell me that its no big deal and none of my business, and he is entitled to privacy. Yeah yeah yeah. We are really fucking close, as close as 2 people can be. Thats why it stings a little when there are things he doesnt let me know about him, like who he’s talking to, etc.
 
I’ve still got this baby on the brain. Trying to sort of some of the details in my head. Hopefully I can talk to paul about it soon, once i have some options. When i think about giving up any of my focus from lucy and putting it on a new baby, I feel so bad, and I dont want to do that. But I also know that it wouldnt be until this time next year, at the earliest, that another baby would be in the picture. She will be 2.5 by then and things will be different. She is still a "baby" now, at least to me, a baby in SO many ways, and I want her to stay that way. I don’t want to miss any of that. But again, 2.5 is not as much of a baby and I probably wont feel this way then.
Because of nursing school and my career being still in the making (again! Becuase i started over after quitting my restuarant manager career) the timing of baby #2 is sort of tricky. Paul seems to be leaning towards waiting until I am done with school and working as a nurse to have a second baby. He wants to "stockpile" money away for this. I will hopefully be earning a decent salary and he seems to want to wait until this is well on its way before having another baby. I have about a year and half to go before i’m done with school, if not a full 2 years (depends, but i hope its not that long!). I think its 5 semesters, but I have one to go still before those 5 kick in….so i guess thats 6 semesters which is 2 years! (spring, summer, fall). I dont think we can wait 2 years to even get pregnant. Lucy would be 3 and a half and then closer to 4 and a half when we had the baby. Plus- does it make sense to start a new nursing job, and then get pregnant right away? I might not even be entitled to any of the benefits such as use of a daycare in the hospital, sick days, mat leave, nothing. I get my insurance benefits through Paul anyway, but still, there are other benefits that wouldnt kick in maybe for a full year sometimes with a new job. There are so many unknowns. But on the flip side, many hospitals have great daycares and I could probably nurse the baby throughout the day by stopping down to see him/her at the daycare. I woudlnt want a newborn in that environment though- HELLO SICKNESS! My parents would be down here so i could send Lucy to school and leave a newbie with my mom and pump at work. Shit Lucy would be near kindergarten age by then! But…i would only be given 12 weeks off, unpaid, for a new baby. If that. So thats time off without pay anyways, which sort of defeats the financial purpose of waiting until I start a nursing job to have a baby.
I was thinking (though paul will likely flip)…..what if I got knocked up this coming March? The baby would be born in December, when I am off school anyway. I would have 2 semesters of the program under my belt. I could decide whether or not to take the following semester off school (not go for spring semester). That would give me Dec/Jan/Feb/March/Ap and part of May off. Thats well over the 12 weeks that I’d get from a job. Its actually the perfect amount of time, because after 6 months home with Lucy I was ready to get out of the house. I could take something online maybe. OR- i’ve read on some of my WTE forums that many moms just pushed through it and didnt take a break. I could go back spring semester, and leave the baby with my mom, and Lucy would still be at her school. It would still be less hours than a job. I could take a lighter load than normal, if I wasnt quite ready for full time yet. The rule for timing of classes is you have to complete the program in 3 and a half years. The program is set up to be 5 semesters long, but you just have to finish in 3.5 years. The normal plan is this:
 
FIRST SEMESTER (I am enrolled for this summer 2013, perhaps while pregnant? and my parents will be living here)
NUR 1010 Introduction to Nursing
NUR 1142 Introduction to Pharmacology and Math Calculations
NUR 1060 Health Assessment
NUR 1060L Health Assessment Lab
 
SECOND SEMESTER (fall 2013, perhaps while very pregnant)
NUR 1211 Adult Nursing I 7
NUR 1211L Adult Nursing I Clinical 0
NUR 1511 Introduction to Mental Health Concepts 1
NUR 2140 Advanced Pharmacological Concepts
 
THIRD SEMESTER (spring 2014, which I could take off if I wanted to after having baby, buts is the mom/baby stuff!)
NUR 2424 Maternal Nursing Concepts
NUR 2424L Maternal Nursing Concepts Clinical
NUR 2310 Pediatric Nursing Concepts
<spanstyle=”color: black”>NUR 2310L Pediatric Nursing Concepts Clinical
NUR 2523 Mental Health : Nursing Across The Lifespan
 
FOURTH SEMESTER (summer 2014, my last semester- then im done and have my RN after taking the NCLEX-RN)
NUR 2260 Advanced Adult Nursing II 7
NUR 2260L Advanced Adult Nursing II Clinical 0
NUR 2530 Major Mental Health Disorders 1
NUR 2810 Professional Issues & Role Development 2
NUR 2941L Preceptorship
 
"Nursing student clinical rotations will be provided in various settings. The student should be prepared to travel to all hospitals in the county and varying hours throughout the day. Other experiences will occur in physician offices, and other outpatient settings. Clinical rotations will be required and attendance at clinical rotations is mandatory.The days and hours of clinical experiences changes each semester. In general, clinical experience for each course is 1-2 days a week and generally 7-8 or up to 12 hours each day assigned."
 
So, for 3rd semester maybe i just do part of it if im not ready? I would hate to take off an entire semester. Ive worked so hard and I dont want to get behind- I want to stay on track for my goals. I could probably just take the mental health class and skip the clincals and stuff. Maybe they even offer that online? I will check. That way I’m not falling too far behind. Or hell- I could just do it all, since I will have help this time around, because my parents will be here. I dont want to screw myself but i dont want to be too easy on myself either. We will need the income from my job sooner rather than later, and the sooner i graduate the sooner we start getting paid!
UGH since i did copy paste, the fonts will NOT change. And when I saved this entry, it gave me an error. Whats with OD lately? Now when i hit enter, it takes me to the top of the page! WTH? Better save now and call it a day!