Liberate me!

Ive been doing a lot of thinking and trying to figure out what the hell my problem is, and focussing less on what HIS problems are. I cant get inside his head, so I need to stop wasting time wondering what he’s thinking.

I thought I wasnt the insecure little person I used to be. I think in a lot of ways I’ve grown up and have more confidence. But when it "gets down to it", I usually chicken out. Im not talking about just sex. I can talk a big game. Which is improvement, because before Paul and I got married I couldnt even talk about the game. But I think I’m probably full of shit. I am confident with myself, my body, my actions, my heart, etc, and generally proud of who I am, but certain things, such as looks and sex, I expect my husband to give me reassurance and he doesnt. So I question myself. But he has NEVER given me reassurance like that. He told me in the begining, but since he "got me", he hasnt reitterated his feelings with how gorgoeous and sexy he thinks i am. This comes up a couple times a year and he always reminds me, of course he thinks im beautiful and amazing but its just not him to tell me. Sometimes I dont believe thats why he doesnt say it…like after nights like the other night, when he basically tells me he is bored with me sexually. But of course he is….thats kind of a stereotype of marriage (just watch a sitcom) and my husband uses stereotypes like its the dictionary and almost tries to follow them because he thinks they are sources of information on whats normal. He thinks its normal for married couples to have infrequent sex, ESSPECIALLY after having a baby. He mentioned it would be different too if we had more than one bedroom….the baby is in bed with me but even if she wasnt, she would be in the crib 4 feet from our bed. We have no other choice there. He said if i was that desperate i could put her crib in the living room….not gonna happen. THats not the problem anyway.

This is not really what i came here to write about.

So im not ACTUALLY a sexually expressive person. I feel silly and fake when it comes to really dirty stuff. Also, Ive always subconciosly felt like being sexual was for men and I, as a female, shouldnt be, and it wasnt natural to be. I wish that wasnt true. It seems like everyone is uber sexual. (can i just say, we spent many years on drugs/alcohol. in those days, I was completely liberated in the bedroom and we’ve had some AMAZING sex on pills especially. I say it was amazing for me because i was bold and did what i felt like doing in the moment and not shy whatsoever. I said things i wanted to say, i did things i wanted to do, and i felt the way i wanted to feel. Without drugs, I think the things in my head sometimes, but i dont say them. I dont really FEEL it, like i have on drugs. that was the PAST.) sO…….why am I so sexually respressed and everyone else seems so liberated? Well, my super sexual friend Brandi said she didnt start having sex until she was 18, and it was always great. She never had a bad experience, and she was always willing to try anything once. Her and her man (like 20 years older than her) go to nudist resorts and everything. She is my go-to. (which is part of the problem because i really shouldnt be comparing my relationship to hers, but i DO, and they live across the hallway from us…) So that got me thinking. WHen did I first start having sex and what was that like? I was 15 and of course i remember my first time, but only who it was with and where we were. I remember little else about it. of course I was drunk. We were at a friends’ cabin having a party. It was with a guy I dated, Eric, and afterwards i went outside in the snow and smoked a cigarette with my GOOD FRIEND (<3) John Hanson and drunkenly told him, "I think I just had sex!" not like that I dont think….but I remember being vaguely unsure, and I remember him being very disapointed, sadened, and upset! Not a lot, its not like he liked me or anything, but he wasnt really happy to hear that. He was being protective. Plus, Eric was a real D-bag. We dated most of sophomore year of highschool (he was a senior) but little did I know he was dating a girl from another school at the same time (or at least sleeping with her). We had sex a lot in the back of his SUV in the middle of the night at campsites where we were partying. People would know we were in the car having sex. Later I whitnessed him having sex with one of my childhood frinds, Angie, in the back of that same SUV at that same campsite. I had numerous confrontations with "the other woman", Sarah, and later we became friends because he stabbed us both in the back so many times. But I kept hanging on and being his booty call. He was known for being a ladies man, having parties, lots of sex, and being very brazen about it. of course I couldnt ever turn him down. I was infatuated with him! His dad died when he was younger so he had this soft side I was drawn to trying to pry open. I didnt realize I was just his booty call most of that year. Moving on.

I just tried to read through my old journals to see if I could find some bad sexual memories that might account for some of this crap (god knows I push eveyrthing under), but I got too caught up in the all damn pictures i had to tape in there! Shit!!!!! Mostly Brandon. Its crazy what I wrote about him and what we went through….he was just a kid! I was just a kid! He was in the "whiting" which is the halfway house basically between Jail and release….i wrote several poems about the time we spent together during that time, about going to Alcoholics Anonomous with him, buying him clothes at goodwill for a job interview and his mom paid me back…..I forgot that we even did that. I wrote 2 poems poignantly named "captive" and "kidnapped". In most of my earlier relationshups I did feel like I was helpless. Sex wasnt MINE, my sexuality wasnt MINE…i didnt own any of that, it was all theirs to do with what they wanted and I was more than willing to give it to them, to make them happy. THen there was the Eric K incident which doesnt need repeating but he took advantage of me because i LET him and I again felt like sex was the man’s to take as he wanted and who was I to say no? Especially when I loved being desired. Having desires of my own is somewhat new I guess. Not recent, but……i didnt claim those type of feelings until after I gave up Brandon, which is when I met Chad, and then when I met Paul. This seems so stupid to talk about, and I admit I’ve again had 2 vodkas…but I do think some of this connects. I never once felt the "date rape" thing with Eric K was of any significance and carried around nothing but GUILT for that even happening. I know I could have stopped it and i didnt. Then he called me and harassed me for weeks, afraid I would tell his girlfriend. I didnt think anything of this at the time because this is the kind of lifestyle I was living. I was doing drugs and drinking and having sex with whoever and my boyfriend who I was downright OBSESSED OVER and co-dependent on was in and out of jail and an alcoholic with an absent mother and an alcoholic father. My family, on the other hand, was ever-present and highly catholic. So yeah, it was weird. Before all this, I was hospitalized for anorexia ! All of this, including Eric P and my first time having sex, was after that, though

I had been drinking/drugs and partying prior to being hospitalized. Getting out of the hospital, I just went buck-wild, but I still felt so weak. Shit, I was just recovering from being 80 pounds and feeling worthless. These guys, who wanted to have sex with me, made me feel more whole, which is wrong on so many levels! So here I am as an adult, trying to claim her stake in a sexual relationship with her husband (who knows all that past stuff, BTW, but he is not as dramatic as I am so its not like he thinks about thsee things EVER…) and I’m having trouble, no kidding!!!!!! I know my past is connected because everyones past is a part of what makes them who they are. My past experiences with sex werent all good. The best was hands down Dan, in college. He worshipped my body and we experiemented during sex, and he was always praising me and making me feel so good, that I wanted to please him all the time too, in bed. It was like the educational phase. He seriously worshipped me, and sex with him was AHHHHH—-MAZING. I’m sure I wrote about it here back in the day. That was healing, and I wish that type of experience could have continued….and it did, but stopped….before i was ready, when I still needed it…..

I want to liberate myself and I know I should be able to with my husband….and I can….but i also know its up to me and im a chicken shit.

I also place worth on our sex life as far as knowing he loves me….i need it in that way too which i shouldnt….

time for a break. Ill write again tomorrow.