Good Night, Sleep Tight.

I hope I am always able to be a loving mom. I hope I am never cold or selfish with her. Sometimes I feel like I just dont want someone so needy and dependent on me, so in those moments I end up occupying her in a way that doesnt involve me quite so much, and I like it that way. Like if she wants to nurse and I just can’t take it in that moment, so I make her a bottle instead (:() and she squeels in delight, but while she drinks it I sit there beside her and stroke her hair, and rub her leg, and stare at her the entire time. Its like, I want to be close to you but not THAT close. Sometimes I feel that way and I’m ashamed to say it. But im saying it now and its making me feel less ashamed. Mothering is a 24/7 job especially for someone like me who has a 1 year old that still wakes frequently in the night. The past 2 nights have been tortorous! She was awake for at least 2 hours straight in the middle of the night last night. I nursed. I rocked. I paced. I cuddled her in my bed. Some of these things worked briefly but didnt keep her asleep. I let her cry. She ended up screaming bloody murder. I endured it long enough to get myself calm, so I could approach her without being angry, and I would soothe her. She seemed to fall asleep in my arms after 20 minutes or so. I’d put her down in her crib. She would scream again. I was pissed so I let her cry again, not sure for how long. Maybe 15 minutes. It only escalated. I went to her AGAIN. Soothed her. Put her down. She screamed again. Let her cry again. Put her in my bed eventually. Nursed. Stopped. She started crawling and numerous times tried to nose-dive off the side of the bed. 2 hours PLus it went on like this.

Oh joy- I hear her fussing now. This is the 3rd time since i put her down (maybe 4th?) But i havent gone to her once. The longest she has fussed (not really a full on cry) was maybe 5 minutes so far. I almost went in but I was on the phone so I waited…and then she went back to sleep on her own. I have a feeling, because of all this pre-my-bedtime fussing, that she will really let me have it later tonight.

I have no problem attending to my 1 year old’s one or 2 wake ups a night for a feeding or even just a little back rub then back to sleep. She does that every night, and if its JUST that, i consider it a good, easy night. But on those bad nights, which are every week, I realize that she does not know how to put herself to sleep. She requires a lot of intervention on my part to fall back asleep. Of course she does- her whole life I have put her to sleep in one way or another, and I think thats fine. Its been fine for her, (not for me but thats part of being a mom), up until now. Because now she is on the cusp of that "age"…where she is soooo very aware of her surroundings…and she is starting daycare at 13 months old and we will be on a very set scedule as far as bedtime/wake up time/out of the house time….right now we follow a good schedule but it allows for flexibility since we really dont have to be anywhere at a set time early in the morning or anything. If she takes a late nap, i hate that, but its fine–i’ll put her to bed later and she will wake up a little later (sometimes). But now that she will be in this school (and yes its a school environment)  I really want to make sure she is well rested. Its important. I know babies can fall asleep for naptime with other caregivers even if they are nursed to sleep at home. I know that its possible. But she needs to learn to soothe herself to sleep in those times when she is tired and wants so badly to sleep but she doesnt know how to do it without someone basically hypnotizing her with the stroller/car/rocking chair/boob/bottle ETC. She wants to learn I can tell!

So….sleep lady shuffle is on the agenda. I am going to read it this week and see if its for us, but it seems like it is from what ive read online so far. I read Dr. Sears sleep book initally and have been basically using that to adjust my attitude about infant sleep. It hasnt helped MUCH (it has helped some though, for sure) with Lucy’s sleeping. But it kept me thinking I am being a good mom and doing the loving, gentle thing for my babe. But now I say some aspects of parenting are HARD AS FUCK. Sleep during infancy and early childhood is a hard road to navigate. I know because every single one of my real friends and my online forum friends and my half friends friends friends tells me something different about their approach to infant sleep and not one of them said (ok well ONE of them did say!) that it was an effortless, mindless breeze that they put zero thought into and happened on its own without any consequences. There is always SOMETHING. Maybe you are crunchy as hell and have a 4 year old that breastfeeds and sleeps in your bed and you are damn proud of it. Well, im sure there is a downside to that (i can think of a few things!) Or maybe you did CIO and it took 3 nights and VOILA! Yeah but first of all it was painful listeing to them cry and dont you remember crying yourself during those nights? And then your kid got sick and that went out the window. Its not easy.  I have been happy with my choices so far but its time for a change. I have been happy breastfeeding, co sleeping, cuddling and snuggling my baby into oblivion and I’m not going to stop. However, she does need to learn that she has the ability to soothe herself and I am going to teach her how (not force her through torture and trauma of being alone crying for hours!) She is acting more and more like a child everyday and less like a baby. Its so exciting…and sad…and mostly scary for me now. Because she is starting to KNOW things, and LEARN things…..she is so dang smart that its worrysome! I have got to stay on top of this girl or shes going to have the better of me!

Parenting is the hardest thing in the world.