Giving Up.

I really appreciate the notes. I am going crazy with 2nd thoughts, etc. I really want to see a marraige counselor (alone is my only option because he would never go). I day dream all the time about what I would say to one. Its my way of sorting out my thoughts. Sometimes I feel like attacking him, pointing out everything he is doing wrong. ("you are chosing porn over your wife!! I am trying and you are pushing me away! Why do you never want to have sex with me? Why arent we as close as we used to be? I feel like you arent even attracted to me at all! Are you faking it? ahhh!") But then other times I feel like its me. because i think about what he would say if I told him those thigns, and attacked him. I bet he would say this is all my fault. he would say I never really try to initiate sex. I think he would tell me he is not a mind reader. But I would counter that with, I even wrote you a damn email spelling out that I wanted to have more intimacy. No Im not pulling your pants down and saying "lets get it on". but when I hug you or touch you or lay on you etc, you push me away. Cant get much farther than that.

Its not just his fault or just my fault. I think right now he is probably at home watching porn. But this is nothing new. He has done this since before we got married, and I married him anyway. Thats something he would remind me of. ITS NOT THE PORN I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH. Not at all. Its the fact that he doesnt even have to try with his wife, because he’s always got that easy, lazier option. Its making it so he doesnt even notice I am being neglected. Its the fact that I made it clear I miss intimacy with him and i need it, and he continues to look at porn instead of initiating anything with his wife. He probably does it all out of habit. i think he said that once. Its just so much easier and quicker and less complicated, so its just his first instinct. But I said ‘what about me’ so many times now….when is going to give it some effort?? Its not just his fault i know……I probably look like the last thing anyone would ever want to be intimate with. i feel like im trying to step it up in the sexy department, but i wonder if its enough. I dont even know what he wants or likes. Thats really sad. Im starting to get desperate. Im starting to feel like I would get pretty close to crossing the line if another man were to catch my attention (or give me attention!). Im being REALLY honest by saying that here. Thats hard to even admit to myself. And then I think, wow, thats pretty pethetic. I feel like such an adolescent who wants attention and validation. I shouldnt need that. Im a grown woman. Maybe i need to grow the fuck up. But I cant help that I feel this way. I wake up in my big bed alone every morning (except for my Lucy! She is usually there because we co-sleep the second half of the night if she wakes up) and saunter off alone to bed every night. That alone is creating such a hole in my world. HE KNOWS THAT. I told him so many times. Hell, I tell him basically every night. I ask him to sleep in bed with me every single night. Last night he even said he would, but then he fell asleep on the couch and never did. He came into bed at 8:30 when he heard we were up. And he fell back asleep and me and Lucy played then eventually got up. When he came out into the living room, I wrapped my arms around his bare chest. I hugged him and snugged him and asked him if he wanted me to make him eggs. I kissed on him, squeezed his body…it felt good to me at first but I soon realized he was still making his way to the kitchen and wasnt really hugging me back, not in any way that I could *feel*. He was kind of faking it? Maybe Im being irrational. After the baby was in bed last night, we barely even spoke or touched. i couldnt take it anymore and finally laid on him on the couch and rubbed his back, etc. He fell asleep like that, and I got up and went to bed. He is so pathetic to me in these times. but it cant be all him. UGH.

I dont know what to do about it anymore. I feel like giving up.