Convincing myself.

I think I might have some kind of lame drinking problem.

I probably have a little drinking problem.

I’m pretty damn sure I might be addicted to alcohol in some way……

Yeah, I’ve got a fucking drinking problem.

But its not a big one and i’m totally confident its completely managable. Its just annoying me and its like, hard to ignore and I feel so fucking pathetic and lame and …. like a weak idiot. Like a weak little liar.

Im just being honest.

I told myself I was going to stop drinking, as in drinking alone when its completely uncessary, for the new year to get healthy. I didnt drink the 1st because I was hung over as fuck. I didnt WANT to drink on the 2nd, but it was girls night and I drank only wine, but WAY too much of it, and I didnt even want to drink. Thats kind of how I knew I needed to stop drinking. I felt like shit. I didnt enjoy it but I had a good time out. I NEVER GO OUT. This is not about partying or going to bars. I dont need to cut back on that, HAHAH thats laughable. Its just the booze. So the 3rd I didnt drink at all (hungover anyway). I woke up friday and I felt great! Finally! I didnt really drink friday, but I did have a tiny glass of white wine at this event i was dragged too, then a half glass of champagne that my MIL insisted on for her last night. I dont count this as drinking at all. Again- laughable. I woke up this morning and felt so damn good. Skinny, even. Feeling so good in the morning just reinforces the fact that my body needs a break from booze.

What am i doing right now? Drinking vodka. Alone, after I put the baby to sleep. (yes- i always wait until she goes to bed and I do not drink with the baby! Come on!). Why!? I dont know. Becuase i have a 1/4 of a fith left in the freezer and i feel like i needed to finish it off or its just going to sit there teasing me. Im drinking because I feel like its ok, and i dont have to stop, and its all fine, and I can do what I want, and I dont have a problem or anything. And because the amount that i have left wont make me feel badly in the morning anyway so its all still good. But after my 2nd drink I’m starting to see that, embarassingly enough, I like to drink. A lot. Alone. For no reason. I am compelled to have a drink when Im alone, without the baby, while Paul is at work, and if i dont—-it feels like im empty and useless and doing nothing.

Aside from that, I’m upset about Adam’s death and his funeral today and what my friends up north are going through tonight.

I dont need to be that person who stops drinking 100%. I’ve never been that person. Its just the moderation i need. I seriously celebrate my accmplishments if I go one or 2 days without any alcohol at all. That to me seems a little suspect. I am fully going to endulge when there is something going on. I am going to allow myself to drink if i have date night or actually go out because i have a babysitter (haha never!) or have an event or something. I dont need to take that away from myself- im not an alcoholic. but its just worrying me how i need to drink every single night, even if im in my jammies watching elf by myself. I wish I could get away from that. Its putting weight on me and making me feel sick. I consume alcohol pretty much every night. No exaggeration. That was normal in college but im 26 and its just not healthy for my liver. Honestly its just this habit i’ve fallen into that is UNEXPECTEDLY hard to break and its a little jarring.

I thought i could do this easily but its proving more difficult than i thought.

Realistically, i need to wait until after my parents are gone, on Jan 16, and then DO NOT KEEP ANY BOOZE IN THE HOUSE, EVEN RED WINE. I can have some wine one day a week and only on the weekends, but come on…hard liquor? Really? Lets try to keep it to beer and wine. I deserve a little "taking the edge off" after a fucking killer week of nursing school and needy husband and 18 month old toddler. I wont deny myself that and I dont see why I should have to. but every night— thats over kill.

OK- so the 16th is going to kick off my clean streak. That I can work with.