break even

Ive kinda gotten somewhat back into the habbit of drinking by myself every night again, after a decent hiatus from it. Over the summer i was just taking online classes and i fell into the routine of drinking after the baby went to bed, and just chilling by myself, sometimes getting drunk, if im honest with myself. usually getting drunk i guess. Paul kept getting pissed but meanwhile he was snorting xanax every night when he got home from work, and chewing tobacco. So what the hell? One night we agreed we’d both make a change for the better, and agree to stop all of that. No drinking for me, at all, and no chewing or xanax for him. He gets prescribed by the doctor but he takes more than he needs, and also snorts it…..so……not exactly normal.

It went well for a while. I drank wine with people including Paul one night a couple weeks in, but it was sort of a social have-to situation, and it was fine. I wasnt mad about it. It wasnt my "habbit" or nightime ritual of drinking alone for sheer boredom or lonliness. But to Paul it counted as a slip up. Whatever. It didnt to me and i think with these things, its between YOU AND YOU. I was actually proud of myself for not drinking at all when i stareted classes. I felt so much better too and lost a few pounds.

Somehow though, i think with Paul and I fighting so much, he started chewing and I started occasionally drinking at night as needed….and now were slowly but surly back up to full swing. He had a physical last week and when the doc asked about his refill, he said yes, when he should have said no. So now he’s back to snorting xanax again (though hes on nicorette and not chewing, for like 3 measly days) and I am back to wanting to drink every night to escape.

Not proud of it.

It feels like it doesnt matter but if Im honest with myself I know I dont feel physically healthy when this is a "habbit". I feel myself put on weight too. Booze obviously has a lot of calories.

I dont know.

My brain tells me Im in love with Paul and my life is so beautiful, but sometimes my heart just doesnt feel the love. I think my heart is acting on some girlish notion of what love is suposed to feel like. The things we’re going through are not unsual. Take his personality, take mine, taking having a baby, take everything thats gone on in our lives, take how immature paul is, take how stubborn i am, take burried small issues that have gone on since before we were married but we never cleared them up…..and here we are. Its nothing but now it is something because we let it get here, when we didnt have to. He thinks everything is fine. He is fine with how things are. He is fine sleeping on the couch or seporate beds for life. Im not, I want something more. He makes me feel silly for that type of thing. But I cant help what I want and need. I need touch and closness and sleeping in the same bed and sex. Sorry. I need him to not look at porn/women in porn/fantasize about other women and I’m sorry—but thats what i need. Maybe he cant give me what I need. He hasnt for years, though he’s given me more than the acceptable amount of the things that good husbands and providers and fathers are suposed to give their wives. I feel greedy or silly or RETARDED for wanting these other things when I have the important things. Lots of people say im right though, and its natural to want these other things and I deserve them. But Paul gives me what he can–his dad told me that before. His dad said this is Paul, and this is what he can handle and give you, and its really the appropriate amount anyway, so Erin you better stop wanting more or this isnt going to work.

I just cant help it. Something is missing for me, and I fucking wish it wasnt–with all my soul I wish I was content and satisfied with whatever Paul is giving me–but I’m not, and I dont believe many girls would be–maybe some girls would, yeah obviously…..but not ME. I am a unique person with unique needs. And this whole thing isnt taylored to what I need and desire most from my heart. Are any relationships taylor made to provide what both people need most??????? I cant belive that they are. Do some people suck it up and go without? Or how do they get what they need, eventually? What do I do when he is fine with the way things are, and I am happy on the surface but dissatisfied at my embarassing core? Ugh. I am fighting this and trying not to be such a pussy. Its so hard to find clairity and perspective.

I dont edit my entries so F you if you dont like my typos.