Break.

In the wake of all this unthinkable evil in our country, I have been holding my baby girl even closer. I really, truly have. I cant take my eyes off of her. I’ve been breaking all the "rules" and rocking her for 2 hours straight, letting her sleep in my arms, both for naps and at night. Ive just been cuddling and playing with her nonstop this weekend and havent done a thing around the house or otherwise. When she napped today, I did some cleaning. I did the laundry when Paul was still home this morning so he played with her. Otherwise, its just me and Lucy, joined at the hip, my little side kick.

A few things to mention I guess. One is that Chef T quit the hotel. Shouldnt be a shocker, but actually it kind of was. Threw Paul for a loop at first, but now he (and I) are starting to think this goes in alignment with our big plans anyway. The big plans being gradually moving out of the kitchen life and moving into a new career path. But with Chef leaving comes a big pay increase (so they say), so this will be great. Paul and I are giving it 2 more years here on property before we want to make a big change. 2 years of this stability, then taking a leap. Hopefully I will be graduated and working as a nurse then, and Paul will quit his job at the hotel and be able to provide a stable income for our family off of his fishing charter business (and other sources of income, creative business ideas on his part, with my dads help, who is moving down here in 2013). Lucy can still attend island school, and we will buy a house off island. My parents will be here, I will be working (hopefully part time or something a little less than full time, maybe 30 hours or so?? Ideally) and we can start planning baby number 2 IF ALL IS GOING ACCORDING TO PLAN. Of course it never does, but honestly its going BETTER than planned so far. Exciting.

No, Brandi is not going with Chef. That actually, IS shocking. But I guess not really. They’ve been having a rough year in their relationship and he didnt invite her. He wants some space to focus on his kids for a change. She is nervous but not freaking out, not heartbroken but still a little sad of course. I’m just damn glad she is staying, and hopefully can also remain in her apt across the hall from us. Brandi is my god send. She is my hero. She is my only support system. She may go eventually, which will crush me (and lucy) no matter what, but my parents will be here at least to help me with some of those practical and non emotional things she did, like pick the baby up from school anytime I couldnt get there by 4:30. I mean, this girl really bails me out again and again. But she is more than that, obviously. What a good friend. last night we talked over wine for hours. Moved it outside to the picnic table eventually. More wine, more talking. I value her friendship so much and when/if she is gone, i will have no one. She has no plans to leave and I’m hoping she’ll stay 🙂 Whatever makes her happy though. Maybe its peter, maybe not. Secretly I hope she gets the chance to have her own baby someday, and she wont with peter. I think she wants to deep down, but represses it because she cant with him, and she wants to be with him, and its not a big deal to forfit the kids thing. She never wanted kids. But now that she’s spent the past year with Lucy, she is told on a daily basis by EVERYONE that she is amazing with kids and a natural mother. She is SO maternal and nurturing, just like her mom (who is also a nurse!). Shes always said no to kids but lately shes made some sly comments that lead me to believe she is starting to hear her BIO clock ticking. She is 32  just like Paul.

Better post some pics of my little angel.

A family photo 🙂

Lucy Marie 🙂

Also, a Scarlet update. She is doing so well! She’s on oxygen at home and has monitors for her oxygen level because she has apnea. The blue periods are completely controled with these monitors now and they have had no breathing issues since. Her feeding tube was also recently removed! She is on pumped breasmilk in bottles (her cleft palate and time spent in NICU did not allow for breastfeeding directly and I don’t know the specifics of why she isnt trying it now) and she consumes all her milk through bottles and thus does not need the tube. Before, she would take a bottle or 2 but not enough to sustain her. But now she can do it all herself! No tubes! Yay! Rachel is very happy. She is confident her daughter will have a long life. She says her baby is a miracle and continues to proove all the doctors wrong, and she’s right. She is beating the odds so far and there is nothing but hope, joy, and positivity in their hearts. God bless them! <3

Things with the husband are good. Recent fight about porn- because I put my foot down- but its going my way. We need more time for closeness and intamacy but I’m trying- and hopefully he will too. He tries sometimes and I’m happy. He’s a busy man, and doing a lot for our family. I do get pissed though because some of the things (not ALL) that keep him so busy are optional/voluntary/his choice, and only benefit him. Selfish but I know they are good for him too, like running. But he uses being "busy" as an excuse for a lot, but its busy by choice! In my opinion. And I stil get pissed about how he views my role. But he’s coming around A LITTLE BIT.

I’m a part of a Mommies group on facebook made up of girls I know from back home, and some of their friends that I dont know or maybe just know "of". Most of them have babies younger than mine, and some are newborns actually! Makes me think, so much, about those early days/weeks/months. It really does fly. I want another baby, but not NOW. But I know I do. I’ve started fantasizing about baby names. Mostly girl names because I want another girl SO BADLY. I know our time will come when we will have another baby. Just makes me think. I also get a mean side growing within me when i read some of these girls’ posts on the page. Some of the questions are so pointless but they dont know that yet. When you are first starting out, you dont know shit, but you think you do. Just like how moms of older kids feel about me! But when i hear them making agonizing choices about pacifiers with their 2 month old like it actually matters, i get a little desire to want to teach them something and tell them to cut it out. But there is NO POINT, and at least i have the where with all to know that! Still I let out a little chuckle like an arrogant bitch! Haha!! I dont want to be that way, but seriously. Im not saying the normal things set me off, its just a couple girls in particular who are agonizing every day about very small details that just dont matter after that week is over. Its hard to know whats a phase and whats not- i get that. But one girl was upset because it was hard to find a binkie that SHE liked as well as her BABY liking it. She wants all organic BPA free (IF, and only

IF they go with plastic! heaven forbid!) but the one her baby likes looks "bulky" and she wont take other ones, and prefers to suck her fingers. So the mom wanted to try other binkies (could you reccomend one?) before scrapping the idea, just to make sure she gave it her all before quitting. I commented and said that fingers are great because they dont fall out of the crib in the middle of the night, making the baby cry! And you can never loose them! So if she likes her fingers, thats even better 🙂 And a lot of other moms said something similar, like pacis arent the best for BF babies anyway,,, some actualy named some details about brands of pacis and their ingrediants….yadda yadda….but those lines of convo are just so annoying, are they not!? Its like, come on! This baby is a newborn for a  VERY VERY short amount of time and if she doesnt like a binkie, why on earth would you force one on her? Sorry now i sound mean. But you guys get what im saying. Some moms are just not like me, so i keep my mouth shut. Just like I’m not like some moms, and I appreicate when they also keep their mouths shut! Haha. My friend emily and I can go back and forth, which is fun. 🙂

Im really enjoying having the month of december off from school, and working a little, and mostly enjoying my babe. Im drinking wine every night which I shouldnt, and im gaining weight! Im sure i am! I feel awful!!!!!!! 🙁 🙁 But I will get it together soon. Its so nice having this break though and I’m soaking it up.