Badass?
I’ve lost so many people these past three months. Deep down I’m not sure how much I can take. But my family has no idea about these people i’ve lost or what i’ve gone through. I still wake up in the morning, shower, dress, sit for breakfast, get on the bus, attend school, get A’s, get on the bus to go back home, spend time with family, shower, and go back to bed. But little do they know that when I wake up I feel empty and disappointed having wished I wouldn’t wake up. Little do they know that in the showers I do more than wash. I cry praying the sound of the water drowns out my sobs. Little do they know that I pick at my breakfast just as I do with every other meal not eating for days at a time. Little do they know that on the ride to school I look out the window and gazing at the sun wishing I could fly and let it burn me alive. Little do they know that the bathroom breaks are used to gaze in the mirror and say what I truly feel about myself, crying and turning away from the mirror, disgusted with what I see. Little do they know that the A’s I get are from throwing myself into my work to somewhat distract myself from the pain I feel. Little do they know that on the ride home I look down at the water beneath the bridge and pray it swallows me whole. Little do they know that when i’m spending time with family i’m counting down the hours until I can be alone. When I am alone in the shower, I hold my breath under the water until my lungs give out and i’m forced to come up for air. Once i’m in bed, holding my pink teddy bear, I cry. Cry for the people i’ve lost, the people i’ve hurt, and the people who watched. Cried for the many times I had to smile to make people think i’m alright. Cried for myself. My hurt. ….. No one knows how much i’m hurting because no matter what…. I keep smiling!….So… Does that make me badass?
I am so so so sorry.
@jaythesmartone its okay. The crazy part is is that people don’t even believe the stuff I went through because of my age. Thank you for reading! It means a lot!
@anajyacaban
you are welcome…As an old person who is older then dirt i can tell you that in 20 years it won’t seem so hurtful…hang in there you are doing good….keep on truckin….
@jaythesmartone I will! Thanks you so much for your support!!!!!!!
Warning Comment
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 🙁 My advice would be to open up to them. Just like they don’t know of your internal darkness, you could be surprised that one or all of them have also been through similar things, but they hide it just the same. You are strong, but there is also strength in speaking up about these things. It’s amazing how much depression is out there, and people have no idea, so by opening up, you can connect and heal. But I understand that it is easier said than done, because depression is often crippling. I hope you find a way to heal. *hugs*
*Random Reader*
@free_spirit_gal thank you so much! And you’re right. It IS easier said than done, but I feel like they will understand and some might be able to relate. That way I can feel less lonely. When I get home from school today, I am going to tell them….Wish me luck! *hugs*
@anajyacaban I am so glad! I honestly got goosebumps for you, and I don’t even know you. But I care about people, and I know what it’s like. I’m now 38 years old, but being young is sometimes so hard, and we often feel alone, when really, so many people actually understand and we just don’t know it. There were so many times in my life when I felt so lost and just wanted to disappear, but then I would hang in there only to see things become great. Because of that, I always remind myself that no matter how rough, things will always get better.
They will be so glad that you opened up. My parents still feel guilty about things I went through when I was a teenager that they didn’t know at the time (not sure how old you are?). We talked a lot, but I still hid some things from them, and they wish they had known.
Good luck! You got this! 🙂 Tell them how all of this makes you feel, and that you want to stay close to them through your pain because you love them. Or however you feel it should be said. 🙂 Then come back and let me know how it went. <3
@free_spirit_gal Hey! It went amazing. We all ended up crying. My mom and five brothers were so supportive. My brother Caleb opened up about some troubles in school he was going through that I never even knew about. My little brother Isi opened up about some people bullying him. My mom opened up about my brothers Sergio and Daniels fathers suicide….If that family tree makes sense….You were right. I never knew that so many people would understand, but now I do. I’m only fifteen about to turn sixteen and it’s remarkable how one single moment can make a person grow up. Thank you so much!!!!
@anajyacaban And now I’m teary!! So very glad I made a positive difference in your life. I hope you always remember this moment, and never again feel alone. Always know that you’re never alone suffering in silence, and I hope you always find someone to share what you’re going through with. Don’t be afraid to reach out to people, or to be a burden, because the people who love you would always rather know how you feel. Things do get better as you get older, if you’re able to focus on the good more than the bad (but also not beat yourself up for having low moments because that’s human, and also looking for further help if you feel stuck – no shame in any of that). Your age is very difficult, because you’re starting to become an adult, but there are still things that are hard to understand. I hope things start to go up from here for you. 🙂
@free_spirit_gal Thank you so much! For everything!!!!!!😁
@anajyacaban 💜
Warning Comment