Cutting through the crap

There’s something about PMS that dramaticly lowers my tolerance for bullshit and increases my need to be authentic and honest. I can’t deal with this right now! I need to confront a friend about the unbalancedness of our friendship. I’m getting together with said friend this weekend, but I don’t know how to approach it. I’m 99% sure she has no idea how I”m feeling and is also perfectly happy with the friendship and unaware of the imbalance. So this would mean just springing it on her out of the blue. And I know she’ll be hurt and upset. She’s not the type of person you can sit down and have a conversation o this type with easily or I would have done it from the getgo. She’s not even particularly doing anythign wrong now, it’s just been months (a year maybe) of building resentment and me going along because its easier than arguing. But I can’t keep sparing her feelings at my expense. I”m scared cause I know I’ll hurt her. I’m scared cause I also know this is something I shoudl have done a long time ago and she has every right to be pissed at me for keeping quiet for so long. A real friendship isn’t based on witholding. I’m scared because I have no idea how to even approach the subject other than just blurting out “we gotta talk.” And we have a really fun weekend planned and I’d like to just have a good time. But I can’t go on pretending like this. That’s what my PMS bullshit-meter is telling me. I keep thinking of putting it off til “a better time” and then it just keeps nagging at me. I really don’t need this the day before my exam. But I guess I do. And I’m pretty sure I”m gonna do it this weekend. I’ve got that feeling in my gut that I usually get before making a big and what feels to me scary interpersonal decision. I felt it before I asked what’s-his-name to prom, i felt it right before I had to have an important talk with a significant other, and I felt it before i decided to confront my roomates. It comes down to “walking my talk.” It sounds so hoakey and re-hab like. But what I mean is that I know if I were a psychologist (which incidently woudl mean i wouldn’t have to take this stupid exam tomorrow. Woo Hoo!) and i had a client with this same delema I know what I’d tell them. I’d tell them that it’s definitely hard but they’ve gotta just bite the bullet and do it if its that important to them.

If I’m not gonna do that for myself I’m nothing but a fraud. I’m tired of living my life for other people and not for me. I don’t want to hurt her, but I CAN’T keep hurting me.

Ok, I”m feeling a little bit better. I’m gonna go back to studying now. Any suggestions on how to do this is the least painful, most productive manner possile would be greatly appreciated.

Steph