11:16

4 days. when i wake up tomorrow it will be 3.

a friend asked me if it had "hit me" yet. i responded that i didn’t really think there was anything to be hit by; i made this decision a long time ago and the time has finally caught up. that said i packed my two big suitcases, to be sent ahead of me to narita tomorrow, and i sold/threw away the things my successor doesn’t want… my apartment looks very different and empty now, and that’s kind of strange. all the years i spent here, packed up into suitcases.

i’ve had to go to way too many goodbye parties these last few days. tired… exhausted, really. for a while i was running on very little sleep and i was pretty stressed. i don’t think japanese people realize what a big deal it is to move countries? just the impression i’m getting, based on the expectations of me and the conversations i’ve had… or perhaps it’s just another consequence of being a foreigner in this country. my role is constantly assumed to be similar to that of a tourist… just here temporarily. there’s that constant underlying pressure to leave… japan only for the japanese. a number of my students would ask me what hotel i was staying in, even after hearing i’d been living here for a year, two, three. they can’t envision me actually being part of the fabric of life here. but i was… it’s been my home for 3 years now. they’ll never really grasp that concept. 

at all the goodbye parties, i’ve had to answer questions and give speeches where i’m nudged into saying how wonderful japan is and how much i will miss it… what was your most striking memory? what is your favorite part of living in japan? what is your favorite japanese food? ahh. i won’t miss having to prop up japanese people’s egos anymore. so insecure, all the time; so dependent on me and other foreigners to reassure them that their country is special and significant. i can never give my honest opinion here, because really a lot of stuff is less than perfect, but outright saying so is a grievous offense… won’t miss that. 

the last day at school is done. i was nervous but i delivered my schoolwide speech like a boss, just marched on up there and did it. i am usually the nervousest shakiest speech-giver ever, it’s usually a trainwreck… but this time it helped that i could think "okay, once i do this, i’m done, i get to go home"… so there were no tears, only a feeling of fuckyeseachsentenceisonestepclosertofreedom. it’s so good to be done with lunches at schools… omg. no one will ever make a big deal about my food again… no more comments on me using chopsticks or whether i’m eating rice or bread that day (the eternal dichotomy!!)… it’s over. i mean i still have the two days at city hall but i can go off and eat alone in the park so it’s more whatever there, i have places to escape when the scrutiny is too overwhelming. at schools i always had to eat around other people, there was no escape.

ahh… i’m going back to a country where people treat me like a person instead of an animal in a zoo. 

to do:

-send suitcases off through kuroneko (tomorrow)
-accomplish some serious floor/shower/toilet scrubbing (tomorrow)
-lunch with ayako (tomorrow)
-mail the internet modem back to the company (monday)
-take toaster oven to the garbage facility (monday or tuesday?)
-have my gas shut off (tuesday)
-final aisatsu with the mayor and a bunch of people/departments at city hall (tuesday)
-cancel my cell phone (tuesday)
-leave (wednesday)