10:04

the list of people i have seen since i’ve been back is astoundingly short. outside of my family i’ve seen… two people? my best friend, and another old friend who mostly was just on me a lot to hang out so i went along with it. yeah i don’t know, and we were supposed to hang out again today but i just couldn’t do it. i just couldn’t muster up the energy so i flaked. i just don’t know if i care anymore, about most of the people from my old life. and how do i go about conveying that? i really miss the social structure that being on JET put in place — almost everything had a clear facebook event, you could choose to go or not, didn’t have to answer to anyone if you didn’t… and if you went there was a nice mix of people in an excellent environment. here it’s all this really anxiety-inducing one-on-one stuff that i’m not so good with. i miss my japan friends more than i realize. they’ve all mostly gone their own ways, too; it’s not like they’d still be there if i went back… that time is gone now. it’s like my study abroad friends; we might reconnect one-on-one or in very small groups here and there but we won’t ever all be together again. the nature of studying abroad or doing JET is meeting people from across the globe; it’s a wonderful thing but the catch is that you can’t very easily all find each other again.

the guy i did hang out with, i don’t miiiiind him but he kind of stresses me out. his mindset is just very different to mine. the people who are really on me to hang out are the ones i feel the worst about flaking out on because they seem like they depend on me so much. agh.

alex chopp is "in a relationship" with sam. gross. just gross. he hasn’t talked to me since the announcement, i think he is afraid to. rightly so! a stupid thing to do, and he probably knows that i’d tell him so if he were to try and talk. all this following his offer not even a few weeks back to let me "crash" in austin if i needed to… nothing has changed. 

i loved starting over clean. i loved it. and now that people know i’m back they’re trying to drag me back into all the stagnant shit, same as ever, and i just. don’t. want. to.

times like this i just listen to sentimental piano instrumentals over and over and over…