Legacy?

This month we seem to have completed the ovulation / constant boinking process earlier than previous months. We were experiencing fatigue and soreness and some chafing so the final time we actually did a bit of a procedure instead – manual stimulation for both, then Hubby finished into a dixie cup and used a syringe to make his deposit. This enabled us to prop up my hips properly to ensure a downward expulsion. Generally, we complete the act with me on top because of some physical issues we’re dealing with but I know that the last time we had a successful conception he was definitely on top so I wanted to at least simulate that this go around.

I still have only one test and intend to only take it IF/when I am late.

I’ve experienced some nausea and some SEVERE irritation and mood swings over the past few days (including a lot of socialization over Easter), to the point where it’s made me wonder if I’m in need of a meds change or if the pandemic and isolation has seriously incapacitated me (possibly still both true). It has crossed my mind that the fluctuation in mood might be indicative of pregnancy – MIGHT – but, ultimately, probably not. I’m trying very hard to not let me mind carry me away this month.

We did have a conversation during a drive recently about what our future plans might be regarding pregnancy/kids. Considering we’re both getting older and, though we had all the fertility testing (with good results) in about 2018 before the pandemic, our fertility may be starting to drop off… When do we want to focus on other things? Right now, we’re still willing to see how things go until about December of this year. That will be about 1.5 years of specifically TRYING to conceive. The given estimate for older couples is about a year so we’re giving it a little longer. Then we will re-evaluate.

Right now, it doesn’t feel like adoption is the right fit for us. It’s a lot of money and a lot of effort and, being honest with ourselves, we will not thrive with the scrutiny of home visits, etc. Stress about my health issues or our age may be exacerbated – even if just to ourselves.  Same with fostering though that would include much more stress because of the getting to know kids and their coming and going out of our life. Our main candidate for surrogacy has aged out and I don’t know if we really want to deal with that… I don’t particularly like our fertility doctor, TBH, but this option is worth more thought I think.

With our own child, we would be able to do things at our own pace without scrutiny or judgement.

Anyway, I’m feeling less optimistic about things. I feel sad about it kinda. I’m not exactly upset that we waited “so long” to decide to take this seriously – we definitely were not ready before now, so… I don’t exactly know what the hell I’ll be doing with the rest of my life if there isn’t a kid in it… I like the idea of using our money for ourselves. Don’t like the idea of not really having a legacy and that both our family lines will end with us.