idiots, EXes and poetry

he didn’t get cornered. we didn’t get bothered at all by the idiot last night. thankfully.
however, that means it is still to come. and today is a looooooooooooooooooong day.
we put the cheque under his door (as usual) at about 4am this morning when idiot was faaaast asleep and dreaming little dreams about illegally evicting unsuspecting tenants and then going after them for illegally leaving.
bastard.

i have yet to hear him wake up up there. I’m sure it will be soon. He usually doesn’t sleep in. I’m sure he’ll go right for the kitchen to see if our cheque is there. And then we will wait. Actually, we may sleep while we wait. I’d like to see him walk in on us sleeping (naked) in bed. Well, no I wouldn’t. But if he did we’d have him by the balls for sure.

Anyway.

In other news, I got an email from my ex’s sister yesterday. It wasn’t really an email. It was a forward. But it was the first thing I’d received from her in a looooooooooooooooooooong time so I shot her off a note back asking how things were, etc. Very short, very friendly because I really did and do like her.

Low and behold she has up and had a baby in the time between our conversations!! Totally freaking floored me. She "got knocked up" as she put it while she was teaching ESL in Japan then came home and had the baby. The dad is Sri Lankan and apparently has no intentions of coming to Canada. She is a single mommy, back living at home with her parents. The baby’s name is Selina Brianne/Brianna. Not a name I would pick necessarily but very much the mommy’s quirky style. 

huh.

She also briefly mentioned that my ex is now living in town in a house that he bought with his girlfriend. I’m assuming it’s the same one from before. God dammit I want them to break up. God dammit I want to have a better life than him. I want to show him up and show him up GOOD dammit.

question to self: why do you care?? why do you even fucking care??

i don’t like him. i don’t want him. i don’t respect him. i want nothing to do with him. in fact, i’ve come to the conclusion that i never really did love HIM. i believe i was head over heels in love with love itself and with my IDEAL partner – not HIM. I just tried to mould him into my ideal. I convinced myself he fit that mould. He clearly didn’t.

Even when I go back to entries I wrote on my old diary. I remember I was sooooooooooo gaga at the time I wrote them. But when I actually read what I wrote the signs are all there and I know I made it all up.

It took me a loooooooooong looooooong looooooooooooong time to get over him — well, again, not so much him as the whole ordeal. Why why WHY do I have this morbid curiosity left over?? I don’t want it. I don’t want to ever think about him again. I want to be indifferent. I don’t want to WANT to rub his nose in all of my good fortunes (if there were any). I just want to let it go and leave it alone. I didn’t HAVE to email his sister. I didn’t HAVE to, but I did.

Now I don’t know what to write back. I wrote up this whole big long email but it is currently saved in Notepad. I don’t know if I want to send it. I don’t want to tell her what’s been going on with me because inevitably it will get back to EX and I’m not where I want to be in life. I’m embarassed of myself. There I said it.

I *would* like to establish a relationship with her (let’s call her T from now on) and maybe even the parents again because they were SO nice to me and I did spend a LOT of time with them all… but I truly do not want anything to do with EX. I tried for a long long time to TRY to stay friends with him. Of course that didn’t work out.  I would have accepted even just an amicable "hey how are ya?" email once in a while. We spent three + years together afterall and some momentous things occured during that time… But he made absolutely no effort. Didn’t even show signs of wanting to make an effort. 

Of course I know how stupid that sounds. I wouldn’t be too impressed if my BF kept in touch with his ex but if it was only occasionally and it was a connection he wanted to keep (but not focus on or get serious about, there is a difference) I would find a way to deal with it. Not everyone is me though.

Would I like an amicable relationship like that with EX now? I won’t be going out looking for it but if it happened it would probably be a nice thing. It’s really sad that two people who spent so much time – no, LIFE – together don’t even speak casually anymore…

The smart part of my brain now brings up my highschool friends whom I don’t talk to anymore. I do feel sad about that. I miss some of them a lot. And then there are others I just don’t really care about. And others that I don’t want anything to do with even if they did email me. I think about how I email Marta every once in a while to catch up and then we don’t email for months and months and months on end. I’m okay with that relationship. I think about how I have tried to email some of them when I miss them. That’s the kind of thing I’d like with EX. Just a catch up kinda email every now and then that reinforces that you were special in that person’s life once and that they still think of you and that you are important to them in an indirect sort of way. And then I think that maybe once I’ve had the connection that I haven’t had for a while, maybe I just won’t care about it as much anymore… Maybe it’s just cause I can’t have it that I want it… That would be typical of me.

Since I "got over" the whole ordeal with EX… and maybe part of the WAY I got over the whole ordeal with EX… I have believed that my current BF fills my ideal mould close to exactly (I don’t think anyone will ever be "perfect" but "perfect for me"? absolutely) and that it was him all along that I was in love with. Even though I didn’t know him yet.
Ya know what I mean?
Like, I was in love all along with this guy that I didn’t know, the guy who was truly right for me (my ideal guy),but I was trying to force EX to be that guy just because he was there and available. It took me actually meeting my ideal guy (BF) to realize that EX didn’t fit the mould.

Since that realization — and this is how I know it is true for me — I have had a hard time remembering which guy I was with WHEN. For example, I’ll be talking to BF about something that he and I did and I honestly do not even have a CLUE that it wasn’t him I physically did it with, that it was EX. In my heart and in my brain it was BF but in reality it wasn’t. I really have a hard time discerning between the two of them when I think back because I was in love with only one of them the entire time. EX wasn’t even close to the person I thought he was and tried to make him out to be but it was the person I thought he was and made him out to be that I was in love with. And THAT person was BF, my ideal partner, even though I didn’t know him yet. I don’t know if that is clear to y’all but to me it is crystal clear. And it’s poetry.

Okay, enough babble babble.
Still no word or sound from the idiot.
Hrm.