I was just “EXED” tonight
why does it still bother me? why does it still make me so angry?
I mean, it’s not like I think about it all the time. I would say occasionally to rarely. but sometimes curiosity gets the better of me. stupid me.
why do I bother to go look at his facebook? he obviously never thinks about me otherwise he would change his privacy settings. it’s easy to go look at somebody’s profile if they’re in a network and have their settings set to show everything to their network. i don’t think he’s devious enough to not change his settings because he KNOWS I’ll be curious… but then again he didn’t tell me for a whole year that he had a girlfriend…
it’s laughable that he has a photography business now. LOL he was barely interested in photography until he went on a trip with ME and I always wanted to stop for photos. He may know more about photography than me but I definitely take better photos – and none of them have the computer retouching fancy shit that makes them only an essense of what they truly are.
i’m glad I got away from that face too. man, looking at him now I can’t imagine what I was thinking. well, i know what I was thinking – i was thinking that he was a totally different person than he really is which made him more attractive. It’s all about personality with me. I always knew his eyes bugged out though. And MAN does he ever look like a buggy-eyed troll. LOL he’s taken up the facial hair. Makes him look like a tree-climbing, mountain-man axe murderer. He’s definitely gained weight and it does NOT sit well on him.
I’ve always known that personality was the most important factor of attraction for me. The better and more compatible the qualities you have, the more honest and genuine you are, the better the "fit" the more I am attracted to your subtle mannerisms and distinct physical attributes. So holy cow is it ever obvious I thought you were a totally different person! lolololololol
The thing that is bugging me is that not only is his ex-gf (before me – the one he was with for a year while he was doing the long distance internet thing with me, unbeknownst to me) Faith is one of his friends on facebook but so is Charlotte – the girl he was "dating" while we were broken up but not really, the girl he SAID he never fvcked while we were "broken up but not really" (iow, while we were still having sex) but whom he said had had sex with like 40 guys (and she was 3 years younger than me). So she’s had sex with 40 other guys and is dating with you but hasn’t put out yet? RIIIIIIIIGHT. Yes, I got tested for STDs.
Why does he care more about them than me to have them on his facebook friend list and not me? I’m sure it’s not that he cares about them but that THEY requested his friendship. Faith seemed needy like that and Charlotte has like 900 friends on her list. He’s not going to come searching out and requesting my friendship. I don’t really care about him either – other than wishing him the karma he so rightly deserves. I guess it just still saddens me that he doesn’t respect me after all we went through and all I gave him, that I don’t/our relationship doesn’t mean more to him after everything I gave him… don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t sadden me all the time…….. I’m not thinking about it all the time. Just once in a while it gets me. maybe it’s not even that I’m saddened; maybe it’s my ego taking a bruising…
I don’t think I would like to be friends but I would like to keep contact with that part of my life for some reason. I’m not even sure that’s true as I type it. What I really would like is an apology. An apology for making me the other woman in the beginning, an apology for not being more strong in his reserve to break up with me in the first place, for dragging it out for literally a year, for using me. I don’t think I’ll ever get one though. He must know he treated me like shit… he must feel bad for it right? I don’t know. I used to think I knew him so well but now I know the him I thought he was wasn’t him at all. He was who I wanted him to be. I made him fit into my ideal. I used to think he was a human being. I used to think he felt emotion, compassion and empathy. Now I don’t know. I even doubt it. I doubt that he’s that mature.
It makes me nauseous that I ever let him touch me, that I gave HIM of all people my virginity, that his… blech, I can’t get more graphic than that. It makes me literally cringe. But I didn’t give HIM anything really did I? Because I was in love with someone that he never was. I was in love with the person I was going to marry. That is truly what I believe – I guess sometimes I just get stuck on the thought of him, the real him, ever physically touching me. It’s a disgusting thought that I let such a disgusting person touch me. And I’m not talking looks.
I guess I had to go through all this for a reason. It certainly took me a long time to trust myself again. A long time to wrap my head around it all. I was 100% in it all the way and then all of the sudden I wasn’t allowed to be. I couldn’t figure out why. Nothing in my world had changed but my world wasn’t reality at that point. I was definitely looking for someone to love when he came along. He was the first one to show a modecum of viable interest I think. And I ran with it. I can be pretty persuasive if I have to be. One of the things he mentioned he couldn’t handle about me in his breakup LETTER to me, btw. I was also too confrontational. He was just a pussy. lol There really wasn’t any communication between us either. That was a big downfall. So it was easy for me to fill in the blanks any way I wanted. I just assumed we were going one way and he never said anything to the contrary, never even bothered to discuss things with me.
Anyway, don’t bother noting this one pseudo and engel. I was just "EXED" tonight LOL and turned into a rambling ding dong. This is a once in a blue moon walk down memory lane. i think i’ve got it all out of my system now. it must be natural to wonder from time to time about a part of your life that was a big part for like 4 years.