I was BORN for isolation!

Sadly? I am not that bothered by all of this isolation. I am revelling in it with a kind of glee, to be honest. You mean the government says I am not allowed to go out and be around people????? I’M ALL IN.

I have always been an introvert. I’ve always been able to entertain myself, always preferred to be on my own or with a select few people. Ordinarily, I constantly feel guilty that I don’t want or even like to go out and spend time with other people. No matter how much I’m looking forward to any plans I do make, on the day-of I -always- hope someone will cancel; I always try to figure a way to get out of it, even if I know I will enjoy myself and, ultimately, want to go. I am ALWAYS trying to think of a way to get myself out of it. I worry more about feeling guilty myself than what the other people will think of me, actually. Knowing that the people who really matter will always understand is a blessing and a curse in a way. Humans are supposed to be social beings, aren’t we?

However, I prefer to entertain myself. I am always happy to interact with as few people as possible, especially in person. It takes a lot out of me emotionally, intellectually and even physically. I’m TIRED afterwards. Always. For longer than even I expect at this point. I have to psych myself up for social interaction – sometimes that means I need to conserve energy for days before AND that I am exhausted for days after.

Counter-intuitively, I feel the most alive when I am travelling. That is, when I am not in my normal, everyday, ho-hum habitat and routine I feel like I come alive. (There is probably some very clear psychological reason for this that I am avoiding thinking about too precisely…) When we visited Japan — yes, it took me many hours each day to psych myself up enough to go outside of the hotel and I basically fell to sleep exhausted the second I stepped in the door — I had a blast. Not knowing the language, not enjoying the suffocatingly stagnant humidity, not really knowing where I was going or how to get there, only knowing the basics of a very foreign-to-me culture, plus all of the aspects of life I normally find stressful and suffocating (ordering food or asking for directions or needing medication when I didn’t speak the language), I felt invigorating by all of it in Japan. I had a similar experience when travelling by myself to Salt Lake City a few years ago (before the Orange Potato took control). It took a LOT out of me while I was there and when I got home but I managed to DO things and ENJOY them – even if I could only start later in the day and came home (to the hotel) early most days! I even enjoyed meeting new people and making small(ish) talk with them – which is my worst nightmare at home.

Anyway, all this to say that I think I was kinda born for isolation. I feel like I’m supposed to feel guilty about that but I don’t. I definitely don’t wish ill on anyone and hope that this covid crisis is contained in short order but I am not looking forward to the day that it ends… I think most people will think that’s weird. I care only slightly.

People are actually encouraged to spend as little time as possible out in public, to limit engagement with strangers/essential workers, to specifically avoid interacting with people who live outside of our household! These are my dreams come true! lol

I mean, I could do without having to keep an extra eye out for 6 feet worth of distance between people… being vigilant of touching my face when out in public… excessively washing hands and applying antibacterial gel… But that’s just my personal life and me being selfish. I don’t know anyone who has caught covid yet (aside from a cousin on another continent who I only know through social media). I know a few people who would definitely not make it through if they caught it so I’m aware it is serious. I am also aware that no one is immune. So there IS a sort of overhanging dark cloud about this all… but, generally, in my personal life I don’t see much difference. I even feel LESS GUILTY for enjoying my solitude!

Of course, I could do without all of the sickness and death, the strain on essential workers, our healthcare system and the devastation to the world’s economy… OF COURSE. And I certainly don’t think the world will come out the other side of this “The Same” as before. But I don’t control all of that. I control me and my little world and I’m doing my best and it just so happens that my best comes out when I’m alone, in a Strange New World apparently. lol I guess.