because they are poison

tonight was the night we went out to dinner and a concert at the casino with the crazies. it wasn’t nearly as bad as feared but I am still very thankful it is over. CFMIL has been going gambling with her friend who gives her money to gamble with her, keep her company; thus, CFMIL has accumulated some free stuff with her players points card. She got parking for free, the four show tickets for free (it was a rock orchestra type thing – entirely too loud and only a couple good singers, imo) and two buffet dinners for free. She told us she got all four of the buffet dinners ($20 a piece) for free but wanted to stop and get money on the way there. Smooth, real smooth. LOL I don’t really have a problem with her paying for us except that we KNOW they do NOT have the money to do so and, second, why not just tell us she wanted to??? Instead she manipulates us. Drives me bonkers. Anyway, the conversation stayed fairly neutral and she was again very supportive and proud of BF when he spoke about the course he is planning to take. I’m glad for BF. I know he is not used to her being supportive; it’s usually some combination of how things affect her and how she feels about things. It’s a nice change. I figure she hasn’t been able to find anyone to support her whining about her son "leaving her" (when he’s 32 and there are no jobs to be found) and has begun to realize if she doesn’t smarten up a bit she’s going to REALLY "lose" him. Hey, I’m not complaining. It just all makes me suspicious.

Part of this new supportive demeanor has begun to plague me however. She’s been talking about coming up to visit us. Now I don’t know how they’ll afford this and I don’t see her/them being brave enough to come up around my family (they never have before, despite multiple inviations) — however, as my mom pointed out, if she decides she wants to do something bad enough she finds a way to make it happen, financially at least. So now I’m scared. lol If the rest of her supportiveness and upbeatness pans out about this whole move then chances are the visiting part might too. AHHHH!!! I will not stand in the way of BF seeing his family of course but I don’t want to spend time with them like I do my family when they visit Niagara. I think that’s fair. If they’re going to come up to stay with us then BF is going to have to be on vacation or on school holiday so that HE can play the host 95% of the time. Or better yet, we get only a 1 bedroom apartment so that there is no room for them and they have to stay at my mom’s. LOL then they’ll never come for sure!! *sigh*

The other thing that struck fear in my heart today was that CFBIL (who is also eligible for this SC funding, if he ever got off his ass to apply for it) was talking about becoming a police officer — and that Algonquin/Ottawa has the best police program in Ontario. OMG NO. I can just imagine that he’s going to want to stay with us while he goes to school and I just have to scream this out here: NO FVCKING WAY IN HELL WILL HE EVER LIVE WITH US IN OTTAWA OR ANYWHERE ELSE! OMG NOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Okay, I feel better now. But that doesn’t mean that they won’t try to guild BF into "helping his brother". waa waa boo hoo. The "kid" is 28 years old. I think he can fvcking fend for himself at this point. SC gives you money to LIVE away from home after all. Bah. I don’t want to even THINK about him coming over for dinners and spending time with us. UGH. I -KNOW- I’m getting waaaaaaaaaaaay ahead of myself. 

Sometimes I just wonder if all of this is worth it to have to deal with BF’s fricking crazy family for the rest of my life. I’ve already had my fair share of crazies and I got rid of them all because they are poison. My nanny (sad, scared, evil woman) has now passed on as well. I should be DONE with the crazy now, right? *sigh*

I know I work myself up before these stupid things with his family. If it were up to me I would never see them. I think about who I feel I have become because of them and while I’m around them and I don’t like it. And that makes me mad. And then I get anxious AND mad and then I stew about it all. Somehow the stupid bitch broke my confidence I had in myself. I don’t know how I let that happen and I don’t know how to get it back. I -want- to act with her like I act (or actED, I’m not sure anymore) with everyone else and to tell her like it is and not take any bullshit about it, to stand up for myself and to not LET her get away with things just cuz it’s easier not to bother. I don’t want to take the easy way out. I don’t believe in that. HA. Ironic, that statement considering where I am now in my life and that that must be in some part the easier way of things… Anyway. I let it get to me. I let it get me riled up. I try very hard not to think about it, not to stew but somehow those nasty little angry thoughts creep back into my mind no matter how many times I push them out. And I end up taking 2 hours to fall asleep and then sleeping fitfully afterwards… But, the good news – I guess – is that I went. It wasn’t that bad. There were no big confrontations. I just don’t feel like I’m being myself around them and I hate that. I don’t feel like what I have to say – different opinions, in general – will be accepted or even respected so, instead of stating them anyway, I don’t say anything at all. I keep my mouth shut. That’s the hardest thing I ever did when I first moved in with BF (in his mother’s house) – keeping my yap closed – and now I can’t get out of the damn habit. GRR.

Anyway. My mom said to me something today that she’s said before about all this but it didn’t really click until today. As it is, I feel like it only really HALF-clicked but half is better than none. Maybe because I’m starting to see, it means I’m ready to get better…. She said that I haven’t lost my confidence telling anyone else how I feel or if I have a different opinion so it isn’t really a question of "how I am now" versus "how I used to be"; the crazies have just taught me to keep my mouth closed because what I have to say to them isn’t welcomed if it has any independent thought to it. It may be a bad thing that they don’t accept what I have to say but it doesn’t have to be a bad thing that I don’t speak my mind around them. What’s the point if that’s how I’m going to be treated or if what I have to say will create a bigger conflict, right? Right. I question that a bit now though as I type it. I always believed (or thought I did) that NOTsaying something that needs to be said just because it would create a conflict or make somebody angry was being a "fraidy cat", would perhaps passively condone… Of course, there are some situations where it’s just not worth the effort…. Annnnnnnnd we come full circle. As you can see I’m quite a confused young lady these days. But I’m working through it. I think.

We are pretty much done BF’s application for SC. The financial (final) part of it. BF had the potential of some time off today so we wanted to go in today to see the SC lady to ask a couple of questions about how to fill out one particular thing – the final numbers of the request for money, to be exact – but, of course, she has gone on holiday until next week. I am so sick of this damn application!!! It makes me SO STRESSED OUT to think that it is not handed in yet!!! I can’t WAIT until it’s done and over with and we are waiting to hear how much money we will be granted. We will likely need all $28K they can give us, if not more. In some cases, they give more apparently but I don’t know if we will be that lucky… I can hope I guess! Then will come the fight with ODSP regarding how they will want to deduct any money from SC off my support cheque (basically leaving us with not enough to support ourselves). I have been doing a little bit more digging into that and do expect a fight. I am fairly confident I can convince them it doesn’t make any sense to NOT let us have the money without deducting it… we shall see though when the time comes. I just hope that it doesn’t all happen in the midst of moving… ugh

Next Wed/Thurs my family comes to visit for the last time. I’m excited because my aunt P might come too – this is the aunt who was diagnosed with breast cancer about a year ago. She is doing pretty well now with a very good prognosis but, mentally, I think she still thinks she is definitely going to die. Anyway, I am looking forward to showing them the sights one last time. BUT it means I have to organize my house and clean my kitchen before they get here. BOO.

I guess that’s enough for tonight.

Today I am grateful…

* for ONLY A MONTH AND A HALF!!!!!

* that my 90 minute massage is booked for 6pm on Thursday night!! I cannot WAIT for that woman to rub my neck. I carry all my stress in my neck so you know that I am VERY stiff!! I will -maybe- eat dinner when I get home but then I plan to be so relaxed that I go RIGHT to bed and sleep, relaxed, the whoooooooooooole night. SCRUMPTIOUS!

* that tonight went well, with no big negative outbursts

* that I found this really cute little store in the casino building where everything in it is $15, everything! They have some cute little purses (I’m going to get my red wedding clutch there eventually!) and some really neat costume jewelry… some excellent Christmas present options there – if I ever have money to buy Christmas presents again LOL

* that I got dinner and a live show for free… so nice to see a live concert again. I’ve rally missed live music in my life. I think BF and I will try to join a choir when we move back to Ottawa. yes, BF likes to sing so he is all for this option! the only difficulty may be the joining fee x2… grr

* that the SC application is ALMOST out of our hands

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