*Warning…rambling ahead*

Ok I think I can vent here now! I just wrote a “private” entry and got a few things that I just needed out and I didn’t feel like anyone would understand where I  was coming from! Now I am reading to talk about all the other stuff overwhelming me!

I’ll start with work, all I have done there is put out fires and try desperately to keep my staff because they are all ready to quit because of how they have been treated while I was gone! Anyway the other girl who was managing with me and who took over for me while I was gone on maternity leave, is just not cut out for dealing with people! Finally we are dealing with that problem, unfortunately it takes losing good workers and upsetting the whole front staff but that’s the way it seems to work at our place of employment! I know I already whined about all this ANYONE but it just doesn’t seem to stop?! On Wednesday this girl went to talk to our boss and ask him if there was anything he wanted to address in our front office meeting?! She is still running things because I don’t actually go back to work until the end of March! I am glad I decided to ease back into it or I would be dealing with all of this when I got back! So anyway when she went to talk to him he told her he also felt that she needed to give up dealing with any of the personal stuff and that I (me) will be doing all that on my own when I come back. He said let’s face it you don’t deal with ppl very well and I can’t afford to lose anymore staff because of you! They laughed about it but he was serious and I am SO glad he dealt with it! She seemed to take it well but I knew she would be hurt after she thought about it and I was right. So I talked to her about it and made her feel a little better about it, and she admitted that she is not good with ppl and all their “crap” as she refers to it! We are all different and that’s ok, we just have to realize that and not try to do things that we are not meant to do. She’ll get over it! ;p

Oh by the way the retreat was AWESOME! Those teens are so much fun, we had a great time in the great white north! No running water and a tone of snow! I spent my birthday up there on the sunday, me and another girl have the same birthday so it was fun! I also got to take a friends snowmobile for a boot and I loved it! I am a bit of a speed demon, I get a high from going fast. LOL I took one of the girls and she was holing on for dear life…heh heh, then she said “oh yeah I forgot how much you like speed” I asked her if I scared her and she said just a little but I  had fun! I also had to do a little crap disturbing so I got “G” with some snow after he had nicely fallen asleep heh! So he got up quickly and to make a long story short I ended up in a snow bank, but I put up a good fight…I always do! I dare anyone to take me on, I will win! I may end up in a snow bank but  that won’t stop me, I fight a good fight! That is only because he uses his brute strength and weighs a heck of a lot more than me…bring it on I say! hehe It was a fun weekend!

I had a girl ask me on that weekend if she could talk to me privately so I have been helping her deal with some issues over the last little while. It has been good to do this because this is what I love about working with youth, they are so honest and just need someone to listen! She has been going thru some pretty tough stuff and we are working thru it and I am so proud of her for dealing with these things in her life! I was a little hurt last night because this girl is “G”‘s neighbor and he is also the youth Pastor and my best friend and I did get her permission to speak to him briefly about it and he kinda took over last night. I know I shouldn’t be hurt but I was because I sorta felt like my time with her was a waste, if he is just going to take over from here. She was afraid to talk to him at first so that’s why she came to me. So when I did the heard job for her she felt more comfortable with him knowing and then he kinda just took over and I felt hurt! My stupid thinking went like this…she was just using me to get to him and he just stepped on my toes and took over like I was not capable of dealing with these issues with her so he had to step in! I felt useless and angry! This has never happened to us, we work together and usually certain kids are just more comfortable talking to me or some are more comfortable with him so we never run into this?! Or we work with them together if need be. I have to say I was really hurt and if I could actually talk about the whole circumstance you would probably think I was being unreasonable because I don’t think he intentionally stepped on my toes! But my messed up head says he did and so did she and I feel hurt and offended. Actually after he talked to her last night he came up to me and said “thank you so much for all you have done this week with R!” and he gave me this big *hug* and for the first time EVER I didn’t feel like hugging him back. When I actually do get a *hug* out of him which are very few and far between, & I cherish it! But this time it felt like that was a kiss off and thanks very much but I will be taking over from here, you are no longer needed. My stupid head was saying you are incompetent and he loves her like a daughter and he is taking over. I even felt jealous like she was taking over MY spot with him, like I was a child again fighting for his attention because I didn’t get love from anywhere else! I felt like his love for me was jeopardized and he might love her more and leave in out in the cold to fend for myself. Now understand that this guy has been everything to me, he practically brought me up. He is like my big brother/father and he has helped me get thru life…literally, I would NOT be here today if it weren’t for him! There is that side of me that knows that NOTHING could ever come between us, that our bond is special and unique and like no other relationship I have ever heard of or had myself! But still I have those insecure thoughts running thru my head that someone could one day move in and take all of that away from me, because really I am not worthy of this friendship and I don’t deserve it, so I could lose it! That terrifies me!

Continued…..