June 16, 2004

don’t waste your time!

Feeling…unworthy, un-important, undeserving…:(

How do you expect ME to care if nobody else does???

The fact that I take laxs, stackers, and on occasion purge means NOTHING! The fact that I have do not eat meals and only snack on low calorie food all day means NOTHING. The fact that I often times don’t eat at all means NOTHING. The fact that I have an intense fear of food and what goes in my mouth means NOTHING. The fact that I obsess about my weight and the reflection in the mirror means NOTHING. The fact that I absolutely *need* to feel bones, that every time I’m in the shower I have to run my fingers over the protruding bones and it gives me the greatest sense of accomplishment means NOTHING. The fact that there is not a moment that goes by that I am not thinking of my need to be smaller mean NOTHING. The fact that I will never be happy until I reach the double digits, and I strive for that everyday mean NOTHING. The fact that I am not happy unless I see the scale continually going down, little by little means NOTHING. The fact that these things and more have consumed me for over 18 years means NOTHING!

I am not 85 pounds or less (a goal I have yet to reach) so I am definitely NOT anorexic and there is definitely NOTHING to worry about, right?! I live a normal life besides all that and I am still above 100 pounds (which is plenty big enough) so it’s all good! How stupid of me to think that I have a problem, it’s quite obvious to everyone around me that I don’t! Or if they do they have no problem dismissing it or at least don’t think there is anything to really worry about. I’m fine, I have always been fine and always will!Just because I down-play it and secretly live this life, does that mean that I am ok? That you should not be concerned or that I am a fake and I should not be taken seriously.

Maybe in death it will finally be valid and maybe, just maybe someone will care…or feel bad because they didn’t care?!

Sorry just rambling, don’t mind me!

>It’s all good, really …:)</FO

Roxy (aka you know who) – you obviously have an eating disorder, as much as you do or do not want it admit by the regular public…. look at your kids – dont submit them to this

Light.Of.Eternity

June 17, 2004

You don’t need to be underweight in order to have an ED. If you think you have a problem, you do. Before you reach an unhealthy weight, your ED can be reversed… But only if you want it to… but you don’t feel accomplished enough for you to want to ‘get better’ because somehow people are not seeing your pain. And I’m sorry for that. You clearly just need to be loved… Which I’m sure you are

but people are not doing a very good job of showing you… Please take care and **be strong** ~

It's ink that lies

I know that I have an eating disorder but sometimes I think like you do too. I think that because I’m not below 100( or not usually, my weight varies between 98 and 105 )that I’m okay. It’s fcked up. Well I wish you the best. -cHELSEA

Odd Socks

June 18, 2004

I hate seeing you like this. Especially as there’s nothing I could ever do or say to make you feel better. *hugs*

*unspoken_dreams*

it is obvious that you DO have an ed and you DO need help. I am sorry that you feel like no one cares to notice. I feel like that so often too. Maybe i will write an entry on it. *hugs*

Your entry really hit home… There isnt anything wrong with me either… Take care.

Cath, Why do you need this to feel self worth? You have a husband and beautiful children, and a crazy family full of people who love you – I know they add to your stress, but they add more goodd things than bad – you always sound so happy when you talk about the loved ones in your life – all those people, that’s SOMETHING. Your a mommy – and that’s the most important job in the world. *hugs*

I’ve just let this go, and i swear to you with my whole heart that no matter how bad I’ve felt in the last 3 months I haven’t acted upon it. The bad self image of myself changes as my attitude and priorities change. When I said I’d never be happy at a normal weight, I believed that enough to drive myself crazy to stay under – but I’m what I’m supposed to be – and I’m ok. I’m alive – and healthy

I can think clearly and rationalize better – i deal with my stress better. It starts with realizing – this isn’t anybody else life – and it isn’t anybody else’s responsibility. You feel bad, you need to fix it. We understand that equation – we just go about fixing it in a destructive manner, and we end up hurting more. Cath – I’m ok. If I can be ok, so can you.

I care about you – you’ve been with me for all of my recovery – you’ve read me through my ups and downs, and you know, I am ok. Ask yourself what you think you’ll prove by meeting your goal? And ask yourself who you will hurt by trying to get there. Is it worth it? Because what will you have in the end? What did I have in the end? I had nothing.

I know I’ve said all these things to you before – but I have to keep telling you until you believe them. I would never lie to you. It’s hard to recover…but it’s harder to keep up the lifestyle you’re trying to live. I love you, and I care. *hugs*

Everyday Nobody

I care. God loves you how you are, why can’t you love you how you are?

HeartsPeruse

June 22, 2004

Hugsssssss to you.I read this entry and cried.I am so sorry for not being around more.I so wish there was something I could say or do to help you through this struggle.Know I am here and feel free to email me and I will write you back I promise.I read my mail it seems more than I get over here.Please forgive me for not being around.Know I care and I know ALL to well what “Fine” really means.Love..

….And hugsssssssss always hun Melanie

September 15, 2004

stopped by to tell you I am thinking about you. Hope you are ok. Love and hugsssssssssss Melanie

I can say i know how you feel… Only i already slithered out of the triple digits…still working on it though. Geez i thought i was the only person that did this kinda shit ha i was wrong obviously. It been going on for only about 6 or 7 monthes now but i HAVE lost over 45 pounds i feel fatter than ever, which is how this disease works. thats how it kills you.