a story of nine months (in a few short paragraphs)

I honestly can’t believe that I haven’t written here since August. Have I ever been away from here for so long? It feels strange to look at the gaps between my last few entries: one month, two months,  three months and then mostly every few days before that. I don’t know why I stopped coming, usually I write when I’m the unhappiest: It feels good to have a space to come curl up in when nothings going right.

So why have I been away from it for so long?

I moved to alabama almost two years ago. It seems insane to me that it could have been that long, and that short. Since moving here everything has been a mess. I feel like every single thing I touch here fails. I have been unable to find a job for a year. I have gained weight. I have been depressed beyond anything I’ve every experienced in my life. I fell out of love with everything that used to matter to me. I can’t write, or read, or really do anything I used to love because I feel like it all just reminds me of who I tried to be and failed.

I am still living with Scott, I remember how skeptical you all were about that arrangement but it works well for us. We were only ever friends in the first place, we just tried to pretend it was more because it would have been so amazing if it was. But we were kidding ourselves, we were friends playing house. Its better now. And I am extremely fortunate to have him in my life, not only because he pays my rent and doesn’t complain too much when I don’t do the dishes. I think he understands that I want to but can’t always make myself do it. Some days breathing takes effort.

I’m still dating the guy that I talked about in the last entry I wrote back in August. We have problems but they’re small and he’s good about communication. He makes me laugh and very little makes me laugh these days. I love him. Isn’t that weird? Nine months ago I would have told you that it would only last a couple weeks, that I wasn’t ready to get into anything too serious. I thought that I needed time to heal, but what I really needed was for someone to look at me the way that he does, to kiss me the way that he does, I actually needed to feel needed, to know that I am important to someone…isn’t the funny? Me, wanting to feel needed. I would have never believed it if someone told me thats what I wanted. No chance in hell. He is the first man (besides my father, who, lets face it, doesn’t count in this) who has ever really told me I was beautiful. And when he says it, I believe him. Not that I am beautiful, but that I am beautiful to him. Apparently this matters to me.

The apartment complex that I live in has gone to hell in the last few months, so Scott and I have been talking about moving. We found a place that is bigger than this one and the rent is only a little bit more. The new guy is moving in with us when we go. I’m scared. Terrified. I don’t want to move in with him and have it all fizzle out like it did with Scott. What I have with him is so just good. I don’t want to ruin it. I was talking to my dad about it a few weeks ago and he said some thing that made sense and put me a bit at ease. He reminded me that I moved to alabama to see if a relationship with Scott was the right thing, if it was the right thing for us. And it wasn’t and there is no shame in trying, but that  the new guy and I already have a good relationship and that this is the next logical step for us ( I argued that the next logical step would be my having a job and he laughed and said “baby steps, Hugo” (don’t ask).).

Of course the new guy and I have talked about what would happen if it didn’t work out and I said that then I’d just have two exes for roommates. I then joked that I’d just never date again because it was hard enough to get a new guy to understand and accept that I still live with my ex-boyfriend but when its two exes? Yeah…then I just seem like some awkward type of hoarder.

This has been much longer than I intended but I felt like I owed it to this space to at least write a real update. This doesn’t mean that I’m “back” or that I will be writing again any time soon. But I am here, every day, reading.

<3