[Five]

—Super Duper Truth Time— I am forcing myself to write.  I am trying to be better about this.

I am exhausted..we had an extremely long weekend, but in many ways it wasnt long enough.  That probably makes no sense, but it is what it is. We went to Jeff’s great uncles 50th wedding anniversary on Friday.  I ate an edible before we went and that helped a lot with my anxiety. I hate going to family functions but they fed us so that was a win.  With Diabetes sometimes excitement can make Finns blood sugar skyrocket and it did for sure that night. He went all the way up to 560 (he is supposed to be between 80 and 180).  No matter how much I dosed him he wouldnt come down. When he gets high he gets miserable and mean. Its not his fault but it sucks a lot.

Then Saturday we didnt do much but I made our menu for the week and then ordered groceries.  For two weeks in a row I have ordered groceries to be delivered because I dont feel well (read: I am very very depressed) and taking all the kids to the store sounds overwhelming, but I do not want to go to the store alone.  So I tried having them delivered and honestly? Its amazing. We did have to go to Sam’s Club but it was so much less overwhelming then two hours at Sam’s and 3 hours at a normal grocery store.

Sunday was pretty lowkey and boring (my favorite kind of day).  We tried a new recipe and it was gross, so I wont be making it again, and that always disappoints me when I make something and its not that great.  Then Jeff and I played xbox and just hung out. I needed a day like that. My whole week is always so fucking full of drama and exhaustion I deserve something lowkey like that.  I find it hard to go to sleep and I find it even harder to wake up. I dont know what is wrong with me.

Also, Finn had a medical emergency this week.  Jeff has sleep apnea which can cause a lot issues including difficulty waking and death in sleep. This morning he had a medical episode. Last night he woke up gasping for air about 6 times which I am sure played into this. I called over 50 times to wake him up when Dexcom (its a meter that goes on Finn that tells us his blood glucose the whole time) was alerting.  I work 45 minutes from home in traffic. This morning Finn went low. Really low. His dexcom was reading under 40. I called my husband. Over and over and over. At call #18 he still hadnt answered so I ran out of work calling my boss on the way out. Crying my whole way home because I was sure my husband was dead and my son would be soon. I run in the house and give Finn juice and milk immediately. I test him and his BG is under 20.  I feel so defeated today. So defeated. We had a total of three urgent lows today, and honestly, I dont know how long I can keep him alive. I dont know if I am a good enough mom to keep him alive and safe. And I dont know how to deal with these feelings. I have been trying to bounce back but while Finn literally has no cares in the world.  I am over this shit.

………..What else is happening?

I made the announcement on facebook that I wont be able to visit my entire family when we go to visit in May and they all took it really really well.

My sister called me, I havent talked to her since I blocked her AND! I didnt answer the phone.

Alright, I think that is it.

g’night.