Done

I am so tired today. I know its a lot of emotional shit right now and its just my depression demon trying to pull me to bed. I want to lay down so bad though. I just want to give up. I am tired of fighting to exist. Idk.

Jeff went and got his test done and it was a good ol fashioned shit show. They werent going to test him despite preregistering because Survey Monkey never sent him the QR code only proof of registration so Jeff asked them to help him register and was prepared to wait all day for an opening. They snuck him in and hes home isolating like he was. He texted and asked for the code and I kind of unleashed all of my anxiety and bullshit on him and he just said okay and figured it out himself and came home and is acting like I wasnt just a grade A cunt to him. I dont deserve him, frankly I dont really deserve anyone. I cannot contain my emotions on days like today.

I realized today if I have less than three things scheduled I am fine. Its when I have more than that. Today I had to be up at 6 to get a same day appointment with a doctor who I hate. She called for one appointment and asked me how I was doing on seroquel after we had already had a conversation about me getting Steven Johnsons Syndrome from it and to stop taking it immediately and deal with the ER. Just shit like that has me not liking her and I dont really know. So anyway on my list I had to call to get a same day appointment (Phone anxiety is huge), I had to do a parent teacher conference for Finn (Super anxiety about not being a good mom) and now I have an appointment with the doctor I hate so she can do my disability paperwork. I cant smoke until after all my appointments and I usually dont until the kids are done with school but God damn you guys my anxiety is out of control. I am so overwhelmed and upset.

I have cried a lot today just being overwhelmed, its probably my worse day in weeks. I dont know. I did take my meds. I need a solution to bring water up to bed with me so I can take them at night because some nights I miss them (not last night though).

I cleaned Jeffs closet today during part of the kids lunch just so I kept busy and wasnt fixating on this.I have 30 minutes until my appointment now and I think I will start on my closet. I am not sure.

-TW- Death of children.
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Its the 26th anniversary of the death of my two cousins, the ones Finn is named after in his middle name. Eric and Tyler died when the semi truck they were sleeping in with their dad and middle brother Kurt caught fire. Their dad had to be pulled from the truck with burns over 80 percent of his body trying to get his kids.

Alright yall thats it I am out to go be a mess until this appointment is over.