BPD Christmas Feelings

I am not sure really how to deal with my feelings right now. I know a big part of this is my borderline personality disorder playing out, and maybe fear. For the past 10 years Christmas morning has been at my house. Jeff’s family all celebrates on Christmas eve and we arent invited so we spend Christmas eve alone and then Christmas morning his mom shows up late (at 11 AM) and then stays for an hour and then leaves so we are alone most of Christmas day as well. Well then I am told Bianca (my sister in law) is hosting thanksgiving and christmas both. I am pissed. I usually host thanksgiving as well but for the past three years someone else has done it. I am trying to not be a baby about this. I think my biggest problem is I know the only reason that his sister is hosting is because she is now with a rich white man and my home is “too poor” for him and he wouldnt like it. She said as much. And I hate it.

So then I am trying to figure out what traditions I need to have for my children because right now the only tradition we have is being taken. So, I make a facebook post asking people what traditions they like. My mother in law keeps texting me and telling me she wants to be involved in our new traditions. I have literally locked my phone in my room because what I really want to text her is not very nice. I know its my BPD. I know it. I want to text her and be like “The reason I have to build new traditions is because Bianca got a new man and my old tradition inconvenienced him or yall are ashamed of my home or my life or whatever. Sorry. Our home is humble but it is ours and I am proud of it. I barely want to show up for Christmas but I will to be a team player. I dont need your pity.”.

But I wont say anything. Instead I have cried for a week over this. Because I dont have my family I never have and never will and they control my entire holiday season.

I know this seems dumb. I just dont know how I am going pack 6 kids up on Christmas morning, make sure my diabetic son has eaten, and then go watch two kids open all of their santa presents and presents from family while my kids get one or two and have to wait to open theirs. Before Bianca would bring all Mars presents over and they would open them all together. I cannot pack 6 kids presents in the van on fucking Christmas morning. BPD is the worst because I know this is irrational. I know this isnt okay. But I still want to cut her out of my life forever for this.

If you dont understand BPD you will just classify me as a hateful spoiled brat, its okay, I am used to it.