02.22.2022
Lemme just be vulnerable for a minute. I am really struggling with where I am at with disability. I have an appointment with their doctor coming up and then they said they are “prepared to make a decision”. If this doesn’t get approved then I think we have to appeal it again. I am feeling some type of way about living and not contributing to the household. I am very anxious about that. I feel like if I am more trouble then I am worth or if I suck more resources than I put in I will get abandoned and I will have no where to go or nothing I can do will stop it. I know that’s irrational but that’s where I am at. I am fully prepared to go back to work and stop therapy and everything. I don’t want to and I am going to fight for disability but if I somehow get denied at the end I will go back to work and figure out how to survive for a year until I can get FMLA and be covered for depressed episodes or I would get a job to work from home. So, I am scared basically and worrying about shit I have no control over. (Okay that last sentence is like my whole personality lmfao)
Overnight the ice storm hit us. Our suburban is covered in it and the doors are frozen shut. Our yard and driveway are caked in it and its like a ice skating rink. When Chloe and Nevaeh took the dogs out Hydra drug Chloe across the concrete as she was slipping and sliding all over herself. It was fun to watch. Our trash trucks stopped running today at noon because it was still too dangerous to be out. The kids had virtual school today because of the weather. It then downpoured for about 5 minutes it was like the skies opened up. Then the downpour turned into hail. It was the wildest span of weather I have seen in a long time. It was much more like Denver weather than Illinois February weather lol.
Its supposed to snow again tonight. We will see how the roads look tomorrow. I am supposed to do a grocery pick up, I was supposed to do that today but I rescheduled due to the weather. If the weather is bad again I will reschedule it again for Thursday. I just know my anxiety gets so much worse when being out on crappy roads, and I don’t want to deal with that.
We have to do the kids glasses too but again bad roads are a no go for me. We will do it all tomorrow or Thursday and until then the boys can keep wearing their back up glasses to school. Madi will leave the eye dr with a new pair but Macs has to be ordered so he will definitely be wearing his back ups for like a week. I hate glasses and kids so damn much. My kids are so hard on glasses.
When you wake up in the morning are you like immediately up and ready to kill the day or does it take you a while to wake up? It takes me a while to wake up, sometimes up to two hours. Like I will be awake and doing what needs to be done but I will be dragging and whining the whole time talking about “I hate mornings” lmao. I really hate mornings though I have started to cherish my mornings I have right now. I wake up early (at 5) get the big kids up and out the door by 6:30, then I get the littles up at 7 and out the door but 7:45. Then we walk to the bus stop and I get home at about 8. Jeff is usually sleeping, Finn might be awake or hes asleep. I come down stairs and do diamond painting while watching a show quietly until Finn is either up or until he requests I play. I love waking up that way. I hate alarms and rushing around in the mornings, I don’t schedule anything before 10 so I have my time.
Im just trying to get back in the habit of writing again.