02.21.2022

We went to visit my sister Nikkole today. All of our kids are out of school for the holiday and I had some gifts to give her. Kadenz’s birthday was last week and I am doing one gift honoring her for my sister every year. This year I did a diamond painting for her that had butterflies all over it and a sweet quote. Her birthday is at the end of March and I don’t know if I will make it up there before April so I gave her two diamond paintings, I did stitch with a butterfly on his nose and Nevaeh did Stitch stained glass.

Of all the relationships I have been able to reestablish being back home the one I cherish the most is hers. I really love having a sister who I can lean on and talk to and just exist with. She loves me so much, she stocks the fridge with all of our favorite drinks, she completely takes over with the kids so I can just breathe. When we stay there the kids wake up and make their way downstairs where she keeps them quiet and lets me sleep in. Just little ways like that to say “Ive got you, you’re safe here”. I have never had a relationship with a sister like this.

Nikkole is dealing with a lot of shit right now. Her husband is fighting for custody for his daughter because the mom signed the kid over to grandparents without giving him the option to take the girl. Then she is dealing with abuse allegations against the father of two of her children. The school reported it and CPS opened a case so Nikkole had to get a restraining order against him for the kids so they didn’t have to go back to his house. Her 5 year old is having a hard time adjusting to his siblings being home full time and is struggling and overwhelmed. Not to mention her husband runs a snow removal company. He makes about 40k a season. This year because there has been almost no snow they have only made $4000. They are having to pay for two lawyers and their income is low. I feel so bad for her. She released a little emotion with me and that makes me happy that I could help a little.

We didn’t get to stay very long, about 4 hours. Nikkole ordered pizzas and the kids all had little pizza parties based on age. The big kids LOVED being able to eat in the room together away from the little siblings lol. There was an ice storm moving through WI starting at 4 so we needed to get on the road by 2:30 so we could be out of the impact zone for that. We made it home with all dry roads.

I really spent my weekend diamond painting for my sister. It was a style called confetti (lots of different colors scattered) it takes longer for me to complete those sections. Nevaeh and I started watching last season of Masked Singer we love that show its such a little bit of sunshine.

Jeff made Pork Green Chili for the first time and it was so good. It was really mild which meant I could eat it and it tasted like Colorado. We gave it to Efren (Nikkoles Husband) because he also likes mild and hes going to be out in this ice plowing and salting. He needs a hot soup more than me. Jeff is going to make himself spicy chili tomorrow and then when we are back in Denver in March we will pick up more of the chilis so we have them on hand and can make it more often. I would love to freeze it in single servings and put it in the fridge the night before and have it ready for breakfast in the morning. That’s my favorite way to meal prep haha.

Tomorrow we are picking up a grocery order and the kids go back to school. I also have to take Madi and Mac to the eye doctor. Madi destroyed his glasses, broke both arms off, and Macs broke when they fell off his face in -20 degrees. The plastic got brittle. We are waiting with baited breath to see how many people call out tomorrow and if we are virtual or not. They changed our mask policy from required to optional and many high school teachers have said they are calling in. We will see. I am a little annoyed about the policy change, it only went live on Friday after school started but there was already a divide between maskers and unmasked. I told my kids to keep their heads down, be respectful of people, and to keep their damn masks on.

I am struggling a lot with my mood. I have therapy tomorrow and I am really depressed so I am glad. My therapist is really helpful with me working through my mood. When I get like this all I want to do is run. I want to abandon my whole family and life and just leave and maybe then the turmoil that’s inside me will quiet. We all know that’s no true though and my turmoil will just follow me everywhere I go. I hate depression. I hate true mania too but this teeter tottering knowing I am about to go off a cliff into the abyss is pure hell for me. I am scared of the darkness, of the cold, of the damp heavy air that surrounds me there. I don’t ever want to go there again and yet I drive by the station over and over again praying it doesn’t reach out and grab me.

I had to miss med doses for my colonoscopy and that completely threw me into a tailspin. Since then I have missed two more doses and I just really need to get my shit together. I don’t feel like I can tell my therapist I missed my meds additionally because she got really frustrated when I told her I skipped my sleeping meds when I needed to be up at 4 AM because they wouldn’t allow me to wake up then. She was pissed. Rightly so, you would be pissed if a cancer patient was loosey goosey about her meds. So I need to just get back into my schedule and routine and stop missing them. Easier said than done.

We have two storms headed towards us this week. I really hope they hit. I have been so damn deprived of snow this winter, I miss it dearly. I hope its just a bad winter and next year is better. Otherwise we gotta go to Alaska because I need the snow.

I am just going to get back into writing, I may or may not do a catch up with me entry but I am definitely focusing on starting over and building a base. If you are an active writer or reader drop a comment and I will visit your diary <3