Moving Forward. Vas-y vite!

I don’t know what to say, or where to begin, really.  I’m going into remission, I think.  It’s time to have plenty of solitary time, and relax, and be myself.  Unfortunately, other people help me figure out who I am.  Unfortunately, I’m never sure of who I am when I’m around other people.  Just conscious of every word I say and every movement I make, wondering who interprets them and how.  It’s bizarre, all these people, who I know and have known.  I wonder how they see me, I wonder why they see me like that.  Unfortunately, it’s rather awkward to go up to people and ask them to explain to you how they view you in detail.  Unfortunately, there are a fucking lot of unfortunatelies in this paragraph.

So I’ll start another one.  All of Royden’s friends have returned to wow, sauve Nate.  I missed them, it makes me feel wonderful, and much as I view myself, to have them back.  That sentence will probably make sense to no one save myself.  Nastily, it also makes me miss Royden violently, and has reminded me not only DID I love him, I still do.  Which, in turn, makes me focus more heavily on Sean, who I want something to work with, despite my not being sure of why.  And also being pretty certain he doesn’t give a flying fuck.  So… why do I keep trying?  There are other boys who do give a flying fuck…

Someone is barfing in the parking lot.  Yum.

Growing up is bizarre.  I’m pretty aware of not changing at all, and at the same time, I’m aware of being entirely different.  And I’m never quite sure which me is me and why or how.  or when. 

Always,<BR>Afton