Another Failed Attempt at Rejuvenation
Like most of my entries here, this is likely to be another failed attempt with the best of intentions to begin writing again, to be explorative in my thoughts, to be expressive in my words, and to be thoughtful in my actions.
I will probably fail, like I do with most short-term goals in which someone other than myself isn’t expecting something of me.
Epiphany: I am so absorbed in what other people need of me that I can’t meet my own goals unless they are tied to someone else’s expectations.
Other epiphany: It’s harder to write now that I’m happy.
It’s hard to be poetic about the fact that there’s not a lot of drama in your life, that you enjoy your job, that your relationship is rewarding, even when it’s hard… It’s hard to turn that into something emotion-wrenching, even when I feel so complete and full. I need to be inspired, and, even thought I have my moments of pure clarity, it is hard to get other people to relate to how gratifying it can be to make plan and know *just* how you did it, or to really be interested in your awesome relationship where you feel respected and loved, even when you’re fighting.
I have noticed that Ben and I sometimes bicker about things that would have never caused a fight between Grant and myself. I attribute this mostly to actually having a good relationship, where the small things CAN matter, because the big ones are already taken care of. That’s a nice feeling. Hm, we’ve been together 7 months tomorrow. It does not feel like that long. And I should say, those are consecutive months; we’ve probably realistically dated about a year, between all our on and off jam sessions where we couldn’t get our lives together.
He said to me yesterday "If we’re together in 6 years…" I couldn’t help but think, what do you mean ‘if?’ I’m giving up my life here to be with you. But we’ve had this conversation, and it is a scary thing to think (for me too) that this is it. It’s nice and reassuring, but sometimes the panic grips you and you go "MARRIAGE? NOPE."
…I just don’t want to get TOO old.
Always,
Afton