6/23/22

I hung out with my roommates girl friend and watched the new Downton Abbey movie (which we call DowntAn, because everyone is tan all of a sudden). And it was cool. I feel weirdly guarded around her I guess because she is dating my room mate and I think everyone is attracted to me. So we’re watching the movie and I’m guarded, it’s fun, but I can feel like, pressure buidling up around me and I feel kind of self consious. So much so that deep under my right shoulder blade something is clasping tightly and it hurts. I get that from time to time. Which is kind of funy that our bodies do that. It’s like the’re trying to hold onto something but can’t so they just hold onto themselves?

Then we all (both room mates and room mates girlfriend) went into the garage and smoked cigarettes and talked for about an hour. Before my roomie came out though me and her were talking about personality tests and how they can hinder people. Well, that’s what she was saying, I find a lot of comfort and perspective from the enneagram test and was saying that I like it as a tool. That I take what I like and leave the rest. (yes I went to A.A. as a teenager)

But once my roomie came out we started talking about Spider Man and other pop culture stuff and I didn’t really know what to say because I’m not in that world so I just started reading people’s diary entries on here. But it was cool, we had some laughs. I felt like I was made the butt of a few jokes in a way that felt underhanded and annoying though. I’m not sure if it was really happening, but I definitely thought so in the moment. Actually, fuck that, it totally happened. It was really really subtle and the only tell was the energy and tone of voice in the room, but I’m an intuitive person so I knew what was going on. Even if they probably didn’t. Or I’m just paranoid. Which is also true.

Anyway we talked for a while and it was cool. I was trying to snap out of my introspective mindset becaus sometimes it gets in the way of me enjoying myself. I’ve been trying to do that by thinking about how when I shaved my head (not really shaved, but at an 8) and how if when you’re looking in the mirror and you think about it (move right hand…forward? No, backward…away from the mirror…) it’s really difficult to cut your own hair. Or do anything in a mirror for that matter. But when you don’t think about it and just do it, you can do it totally fine and it’s not a problem, and trying to apply that same attitude to being happy. And just recognizing that your efforts to be happy or say the right things can get in the way.

I’ve learned over the years to be careful about what I say though. Because when I’m not careful I say things I regret. I just feel embarrassed. I get too much momentum. And I feel like I have to keep it going. That’s the crux of my social anxiety. I don’t want to be like my family, but it’s hardwired in there. So I feel like I HAVE to be careful with what I say or I’ll just keep making everything about me, or I’ll draw connections where there are none. Which would be totally fine if I could laugh it off…and I do do that a lot…just not around them. It fuckin sucks. I really don’t know if I’m so careful with what I say because I don’t feel like I can just be myself around THEM or just in general. But the way it is now is that we all live together and they are my group and everything I do outside of my core social group will be an echo of that in some way.

And it’s not all bad. It’s actually really good a lot of the time. But I do feel like I have to act a certain way. I’ve never felt like I could just be totally myself with anybody. Not a soul.

I got to spend 2 weeks by myself when they went to Britian a few weeks ago and I felt like I was in a parallel univese. I felt more…real…like there were more consequences for my actions. And that my life was something that was coming completely from me and not a response or addaptation to anyone else. And it was liberating. So much so that I vowed to move out as soon as possible. But now that feeling is kind of slipping away. When they first got back I was bitter and even resentful that they were in “my” space again. I had to anticipate them and navigate them. And think about who I am. When I was alone I could completely forget myself. I didn’t fucking worry about being this or that, I just was. And it was so clear to me that the main source of my ssocial anxiety coems from….you guessed it…having to be social. When I don’t really…want to be. Not that I felt antisocial. The opposite actually, I talked to my coworkers more and paid more attention to how I treated gas station attendents. But do I want to LIVE in the same space as other people? I don’t know. That could be really scary. Because I isolate. And can lose perspecitve.

Moving out isn’t an option until this time next year anyway, but I definitly got in touch with something that I want to nurture. Anyway, this was my day. It was a normal day. And it had it’s moments of beauty and moments of blah and moments of kind of shit.

I remember when I used to think that in some point in the future my days would not feel normal anymore. That they would feel extraordinary. And that what I’m experiencing now is just a fucking…shadow of what it could be. But I’m starting to realize that, yes it will get better, I will eventually meet a woman and all those doors of intimacy and security will open, but a lot of the daily pleasures already exist here and now. That though yes it will get better, a lot of the good stuff has firmly arrived. And for that I’m grateful.

Anway, thanks for reading,

– Alvvays Lost