Unfortunately I created this mess

Recently I’ve felt like I’ve done more talking to my self than anyone actually listening to me.  Sometimes I feel like I could be screaming at the top of my lungs and not one person would even acknowledge me unless they needed something.

There was a time where something like that would just hurt my feelings and I would allow it to completely consume me in a scary depression and I wouldn’t want to do anything anymore. I guess in some way it still consumes me but in a different kind of way, instead of it being sadness now its just anger and resentment.

I’ve done the whole open your mouth and talk about and try and do what you can to change it. I’ve even gone as far as giving chance after chance waiting for it to change and you know nothing seems to happen. Its like the whole situation is on repeat and just keeps playing over and over again. At first I thought if I hit pause and watching in slow motion that maybe there was something I was missing but the truth is that’s just not case.

I know my voice isn’t the loudest but damn I’m not the quiet either.

I think I’m getting to the point where I just don’t want to talk about it anymore and I don’t want to take any extra steps for someone else. I realize that is probably not the best way to go about it but I cannot help how I feel. Why do I have to be the only one who has to change things? When did things become so one sided? When reaching this point what are the next steps?

I guess in a lot of ways I created this mess because I allowed it for so long, even though I kept saying I didn’t like it and that it wasn’t okay I never did a lot when someone didn’t listen to me or even try to fix anything. I kept allowing it to be a thing and thinking that maybe it was just me asking for to much. I didn’t put any thought into the fact that I was the only one changing things and being mindful of someone else even when those things weren’t being returned.

This is one of the biggest reasons why I do not get close to people. It takes a lot for me to let someone in but if you  make me feel like I wasted my time then the chances of you getting that part of me again will never happen.

Once I start to distant my self from you chances are I have no intentions of coming back and its not something I do on purpose but its the only way I know how to protect myself. Heartache is something I seem to know very well and if its something I can bypass then I’m going to. I just want to be heard like everyone else. I don’t want to feel like how I feel or what I think isn’t important.