Sometimes it’s better to leave it where it lies

You will have to give me some time with this post, I am writing this one on a lot of emotions. I’ve spent my whole life with a very strained relationship with my mother. There have always been a lot of ups and downs with her, and I don’t know if I’ve ever really felt like she cared about me like she did other things or people.

There were so many things when I was child that I just couldn’t go to her with so I delt with most of the them on my own. When it became to much and I made the decision to hurt my self and she found out, she told me I did it because my friends were and that all I wanted was attention. In some ways saying it was for attention she was right, I did want some kind of attention, I wanted her attention , for her to see something was wrong.  Honestly I feel like she never cared enough to even ask any questions as to why it was a thing. The only thing she ever saw was that it made people question what was going on and that didn’t make her look good so that’s why it was such an issue.

I’ve had my heart broken so many times and there were times where she took her foot on an already breaking heart and pushed it further into the ground with no remorse at all. I’m not sure she’s ever apologized to me and ever truly meant it. I just had to learn to let it go and I kept telling my self she’s my mom and that I loved her regardless. How much are you suppose to take from those you love before its enough? How much hurt is heart suppose to take for them?

My mother was never there for the big things in my life. Things she should have been apart of, things I needed her to be apart of. I became a mom my self without her. A friends mom helped me with all the new mom stuff and she really was my biggest supporter along with my uncle. Sadly I lost both of them six months apart. The people I did have a close bond with and the people who made me feel important all passed away.

I’m not saying I’m completely alone but the people who helped me become an adult and were like parents to me are all gone.

Today my mother and I got into it because she didn’t like when I told her how I felt and the worst part is she called and asked me. I didn’t say the things she wanted me to and I didn’t just say “yeah, okay your right.” I told her I wasn’t perfect and that I was willing to admit where I was wrong but I I also told her that I didn’t tell her how I felt anymore because she didn’t listen when I talked anyways. She got on my about not calling her and I told her I did but that we only talked if I called her, which of course she didn’t want to hear. Never in conversation did she admit where she was wrong it was all about her and how she felt and how its everyone else fault.

Maybe I’m wrong for this but she said some hurtful things about taking her self out of my life and hung up on me. So I called her back and told her she could have just what she asked her. She can call and talk to her grandkids, even though I don’t think she will bother with them because she doesn’t really now, but that I was done and would not be speaking to her anymore. I don’t feel like the absents will be any different than has been my whole life because she hasn’t really been a big presents anyways. I love her and I always will and I hope she finds whatever happiness she needs but I just don’t want to be apart of that any longer.