My letter to you

I’ve thought about this for so long and I’ve  gone over everything in my head so many times. So many things I wanted to say but never did because I was fighting for a relationship that was killing me slowly.

I always felt like I had to endure everything I went though because of you because we are family and that’s what family does, right? I was always expected to be a certain way and apologize anytime I did something that upset you. Anytime I felt a certain way I was to push those feelings down because you didn’t agree. When you would do something that hurt me or when you would say horrible things about me, I was suppose to be okay and just let it go and forgive even when it was a repeated thing.

I can’t think of one time you apologized and meant what you said. There was never I’m sorry without placing blame on me because you  never did anything wrong. There was always supposed to be consideration for you and your feelings but none for anyone else when it came to you. I was supposed to put you above everything else including myself no matter the cost.

So many things I had to figure out on my own because you didn’t think they were important enough to be a part of. The things that mattered to me you never even gave a second thought about. I was suppose to listen every time you talked, and I was expected to fix every problem even when the problem was created by you. I wasn’t allowed to have an opinion because if I said anything that you didn’t agree with, I was the one who was wrong. You always made a point of pointing out everything you thought was wrong or every problem you thought I had but could never own up to any of yours.

I reached a point where I started speaking up and saying what I thought, and our relationship started to come undone. Slowly everything became clearer. I started to learn how to get through the things I needed you for on my own. Learning over the years that I wasn’t as bad as you made me feel like I was.

My biggest eye opener was when I had my first child, and you just weren’t there. Learning how to become a mom without your help was the biggest accomplishment I did. Then on top of that someone else was there to teach me the things you never did. I could never imagine allowing my children to feel the way you’ve allowed me to feel.

I love you and I always will but as mother you have never been to me. I realize that’s harsh and maybe in ways mean but it’s the truth.

You’ve broken me in so many ways and I have worked hard to fix those pieces and grow as a person, so I do not repeat those patterns. I’ve just reached a point where I can no longer allow you to be part of my life in the way you should have been. I do not have any more excuses for allowing myself to feel the way you’ve made me feel. I don’t have the lung compacity to try and breathe while you’re dragging me down deeper.

I hope that you find whatever it is that  you’re looking for and I wish nothing but good things for you, however, I just do not want to be apart of them. I’ve been angry and I’ve been hurt to many times, and it’s always a repeated thing. I know that not everyone is going to agree with me, I just cannot do this roller-coaster any longer. So, this time I pulled the break and I’m getting off, this ride for me is over.