I just can’t find my place anymore

It just seems like so many things have taken place this year and I can’t seem to get back up from it. I’ve worked so hard for so many things, but it seems like nothing good can happen with out something bad to follow. I think losing my grandma took a lot more out of me than I thought it was going to. I know she wouldn’t want me to feel this way but I just can’t help it anymore. Work has its ups and downs and I’m getting a raise and everything for doing such a good job. The only thing that sucked is all I wanted to do is call my grandma to tell her all about my good news and I couldn’t. I know she can see everything, but it still sucked cause I couldn’t hear she was proud of me.
 Everything feels like touch and go anymore, its almost like someone is getting amusement out of me being so lost. My boyfriend and I at one point where doing so good and now its like everything is slowing falling apart. Almost as though someone or something is trying to see how far the can shatter my heart. To be honest I feel as though I’m fighting for something that just is no longer there and he just doesn’t want to tell me, almost like just dragging it out. Did I do something so bad along this road and just didn’t know and now its pay back?
I keep telling my self it just has to get better, but when is that going to ever happen? My faith in anything is so thin anymore. There really isn’t even any point to cry or even say something is wrong because it’s getting me nowhere. I’m better to pretend its all okay and my world is just so very perfect anymore. I close my eyes just so for even one minute I can catch my breath and relax because I can close my eyes and be anywhere in the world. Even if that means only for one minute.
  I keep saying everything is okay, that I’m just fine and nothing is wrong, maybe one day I’ll believe it.