I find my self in deep thought

The past couple month I’ve found my self in deep thought about a lot of things surrounding my family and just the people in my life overall. I hadn’t realized how shut off I’ve become from certain people. I’ve never really been one to open up to people because I do not allow my self to get close to just anyone.

As I’m sure I’ve mentioned in other posts I have never really been close to either of my parents. I’d like to say its not personal however, that is just not the case. My father was not always apart of my life, in fact he wasn’t really apart of my childhood. The past couple months though he has made so many comments like he was there. Now I’m not saying he didn’t have moments but he didn’t do anything close to what he tries to imply when he makes the comments he does. There are times he tries to talk like he can tell me or my sisters how we should do things, yet he’s never been active enough in our lives for his word to matter at all. I think he forgets I’m an adult now with a family of my own, his word isn’t, wasn’t and never will be law.

I’d like to say that growing up I had my mother but that just isn’t the case. I’ve never felt close to her and even now I do not feel close to her like I think I should. I’m not saying she’s an awful person she just isn’t the kind of mom to me that she is to my sister’s or mother that she was with my brother.

I’ve been through a lot that she was suppose to be part of and she choose not to be. I gave up a long time ago when it comes to putting any kind of emotion into something that involves her. She has always been one to get on my siblings and I about the things we don’t do right but has never taken any of the blame for anything she’s done. Sometimes when I talk to her on the phone and she starts harping on me about something else I haven’t done right in her eyes I just want to scream at her and hang up the phone. It’s just not worth it anymore, it’s not like she’s ever going to listen or even really try to fix anything.

I think that’s part of the reason why my sibling and I became so close with each other. We never really had our parents the way we should have. My mother did more for them but even with them she had her moments.

Sometimes I think my parents had kids because at that time it was the thing to do. I also feel like they blame us for their lives turning out the way they did.  Somehow in their eyes we were put on this earth to make them feel better about them selves regardless  of what it did or does to us.