Decisions, Decisions

Pretty sure I’ve typed something out and retyped it so many times trying to figure out how to put this. There are so many emotions going on in my head right now and I cannot put those feelings  into their own boxes.  I almost feel a little lost and I have two different roads I can take, I just don’t know which one to choose.

I’ve always taken care of things for my family, I’ve always been the one who everyone calls, because they know I will be there. I like knowing they can count on me even when its hard on me. When the days get to hard and I feel the pressure is a little heavier I just try to breathe a little slower so I don’t suffocate so I can still be there. I know that sounds like I’m just punishing my self and bringing it on my self and maybe in some ways I am,  but I cannot help it. I’ve done it for as long as I can remember and after losing my brother I felt it more than before that I need to be there for them.

I think sometimes though maybe being so close to them and not wanting to be without them in fear something bad will happen almost hurts me in a way as well. I am by no means saying they are to blame because its my decision.  I just feel like sometimes we stop the other from being able to grow because we are so used to being together.

I’ve  been faced with a decision to move or not, on one side I will be leaving my sisters, nephews and nieces and my dad along with friends, pretty much everything I’ve known for years. I’m used to running when one of them call me. I’m used to being able to go over when one of the kids need me, I’ve also had the privilege of watching my newest nephew grow so far. I’ve been apart of a lot of his firsts. I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say I’m one of his favorite people.

This move wouldn’t be right down the road, it would be states away and I wouldn’t be able to just come when one of them call me. I realize that may  not sound to great and I am not trying to make it sound bad by any means because like I said before I love that my family can count on me even when I feel a lot of pressure from it.

My husbands dad lives where we are thinking about moving to, which is fine because I get along with his dad and step mom. I also get along with his aunt and uncle who live out there. It just hard because none of my family is out there at all.

All my husband has talked about is moving out there since its been brought up which has been a good almost week now.  I’m not mad about it, but he has his mind made up already and I’m struggling with the decision more than I think he wants to see.

I have no idea what the right decision is to make and I feel like all I’m doing is going in circles with it.  The people I would have talked to about it before aren’t here anymore. They were also some of the ones I wouldn’t have wanted to leave and also them being gone is part of the reason I think its time to move.