A little less control

I find my self on the negative end of things right now, I keep trying to tell my self to pull out of it and think about better things but its not been easy the past two days. I think the end of January and beginning of February are just hard for me. January 29th is my brother’s birthday and my brother in-laws death date and then February 10th is the day I lost my brother.

Although it’s going on three years I still find my self dreading that day. I guess grief is funny in that way, I do not believe it ever fully disappears. Losing someone gives you a lifelong grief.

My family has always had their issues and when I was younger I allowed it to bother to the point that it was hurting me. As I became and adult and had my own family those things that bothered me before became less and less of a problem. I’m pretty sure I’ll still have moments where I’ll allow things to get to me a little more than I should but I’m only human right?

I think part of my problem is that I am a person who does better when their in control, so when I feel that control slipping I start to tense up and my anxiety gets the better of me. I start to become distant and very lost in all the what ifs, Which in doing so causes all kinds of chaos.

There are moments however, I’ve been trying to allow a little less control on my part. Sometimes its better to be a little less in control and to just go with the flow of things.  That’s been my biggest lesson recently and man is it hard at times.

I really did think at one point that just shutting down and closing my self off was the answer, however I learned that is probably the easy way out and I have never been one for easy things. I like to think I’m pretty stubborn and willing to put in the extra effort before just giving in or giving up.

I have also learned how to speak my mind in a respectful way and make my point clear without tearing someone down in the process. I am still learning but hey I’m capable of good change.