Feeling lost & angry

I am feeling so lost right now. I don’t know how much more fight i have left in me to keep fighting for what i need. I don’t think i have much more to fight with. I feel my strength is running just about on empty i think.

I don’t know how much more disappointment i can take either. I should be used to being disappointed by now, its been happening to me for as long as i can remember. But its something that you just don’t get used to, it hurts just as much every single time. I always try to prepare myself for the worst outcome because that is what usually happens to me. I can never let myself feel happy or hopeful for anything because its always to good to be true. If i allow myself to look forward to something or feel good about something the disappointment that comes with it hurts even more.

I am struggling to survive. I have been trying to get the help i need that the government says is out there and easily available to everyone only to find out that finding the help is like waiting for a stone to bleed.

The way i am trying to cope is probably adding to or not helping the disappointments in my life but i don’t know any other way. I feel like i am running on empty right now. I am so tired but i can’t sleep. Its 3.05am & i am completely mentally & emotionally exhausted.

I used to have so much faith & respect for government agencies that are community services out there to help the community. I had always believed that people only got kicked out of their government public housing because they have been really bad, that community services agencies don’t help people because those people have done the wrong thing, i believed that community services were out there for us, easily accessible, fair & equal to everyone. I now know from first hand that this is not true. I no longer have that faith & trust. I no longer respect many of these so called community services.

People who are struggling shouldn’t have to fight so hard for what they need, they should be able to easily access these services, they should be referred to the services they need from ones that don’t specialize in what the person need. People shouldn’t have to do hours of research & hundreds of phone calls to find what they need. These agencies need to network with each other to help instead of always saying” i don’t know’, ” i have no idea”. That is what they are there for. People who are in desperate situations are not mentally in a place to be able to think clearly at least half of the time to do all the running around & navigation to find what they need. So good for community services being easily accessible. Then there is the issue of community services workers who plain down lie to your face then make you out to be liar when you bring the topic up or try to resolve something. My department of housing officer has told me things multiple times then  right in front of me & his boss told lied about it.

There is nothing i can do about this sleazy bastard housing officer because i have tried, i have bought it to his superiors & the housing officer made me out to be the liar. Who are they going to believe? me the fat lazy woman with mental health issues who is struggling with just about all aspects of life or their co worker who is also a government employee who no doubt they are all friends with. I have no chance to be believed or listened to in this situation because its his word against mine. I have not been listened to. Every time my housing officer has come to my house i have begged him for help, i have told him every bloody time i NEED HELP & he just either ignores me or says “talk to jason” and thats it. Jason is the social worker person of the department of housing agency. He was supposed to be linking me up with multiple services & assisting me, in the 6 months agreement i had with department of housing he has linked me with 1 agency for me to see a psychologist. He has not linked me with any other agency despite me asking multiple times & telling him multiple times that i NEED HELP.

I am a very intuitive person & read people very well. I have always been able to tell what sort of person someone is almost as soon as i meet them. I have been right almost every single time even though it sometimes doesn’t seem so at first. But their true colors always come out & prove my instincts right. As soon as i met this housing officer of mine called Nor, i had the most sickening feeling about him, my stomach churned i had shivers down ,my spine & my instinct was get away from him, avoid him at all costs, not to get involved with him. But i had no choice but to communicate with him. Well once again turned out that my intuition was spot on. He is a sneaky, sly judgmental man who has no compassion or empathy. I feel sorry for the people who have to be regularly in his life.

I had met with him here at my place multiple times & not once did he even look at me, have eye contact. When i would look at him & speak to him or ask him a question he would turn to his colleague & answer to his colleague not me. He never ever even said hello when he came into my home or bye when he left. He would turn his back to me when i would try to speak to him.

1 night when i was in a bad way with anxiety i rang the emergency mental health team for help. they sent 2 people out to me to talk to me a few days later, they told me they would get in touch with me in a few days & arrange a plan for me to help me but as usual i still have not heard back from them 7 months later. Anyway the day they came out to me was the same day my housing officer was coming to my house & it happened that they were both here at the same times. My housing officer shocked me because after the mental health guys introduced themselves to him, my housing officer waked over to me & said hello how are you while looking at me & out his hand to to shake my hand. I couldn’t believe it, he had NEVER done that before. If he did look at me it was like i was dog shit he had just stepped in. When he left he shook my hand again said bye & wished me a good day. Also that day he lied to his boss & the mental health guys when i finally felt brave enough to bring it up to his boss, i was shot back down so quickly, it was like a mental kick in the face. He has never been that friendly again. Next time i saw him he was back to his sly asshole self. He was putting on a show for his boss & the mental health people so that i would look like the disgruntled tenant with a personal dislike of him for no warranted reason other than to make him look bad because i was annoyed with the situation. I hate this man. Oh & trying to get him to return phone calls is impossible, he has only ever returned a call once even though i have rang him to many times to count for him to never return my calls then tell me & his boss that he never got those messages. So either he is lying or all those different people who took my calls all lied about emailing him the messages i was leaving. But as usual i am the liar according to them. his dislike of me is personal, hes judged me on the condition i had unintentionally got myself into through mental health & physical health issues, he is not doing his job professionally & helping me like he is meant to because of his dislike of me. He doesn’t even know the first thing about me beyond me struggling to survive that he has no doubt assumed i am just lazy because i am overweight, whatever his reason its personal, even more so since i tried to report his misconduct to his bosses.

I am feeling lost, helpless, i have no hope, i am hurt, i have been let down, lied to & i am angry.

I am a very peaceful person, i go out of my way to not engage in arguments or disputes, i go out of my way to try to make things peaceful. I am definitely not a violent person. But right now i feel like punching a few people in the face & knock their teeth out.

I can completely understand why some people who are in such desperate situations go on shooting sprees or physically violently hurt or kill people. When you have nothing left to give, your at rock bottom, no more strength to fight & feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, your desperate, you want to be heard, your sick of not being listened to. Its extremely emotionally painful & grows anger within yourself. This department of housing team should think themselves lucky that i am not a supporter of violence for solving problems. But in saying this i would definitely not shed a tear if i was to hear that something un pleasant happened to them. At this point in time i like the idea of stepping over them if they were to drop down in front of me with a heart attack. But knowing what i am like i wouldn’t be able to look on & do nothing to help.

Thats the difference between them & i, i have compassion, i can’t stand by & watch someone suffer & struggle knowing that i can help & should help.