9/23/04

SO ANYWAY…

Yeah, let’s just state for the record right now that hackers suck.

As for the life of Sarah Leonard, it has been quite interesting.  Senior year is surprisingly good so far…all my classes are pretty damn easy, and Allied Health makes the day seem a crapload shorter.  Damn, I cannot wait until we start hospital rotations…it’s gonna be hot.  And of course EDUCATIONAL. 

So yes, my boyfriend…what a character.  Haven’t talked to him in a few days unfortunately…what the crap??!!?!  Oh well, I guess some of the ILLEGAL SUBSTANCES that he may have done once or twice could be the reason for him NOT CALLING ME.  Bitch.

I am having the worst tennis season EVER…i think I’m a complete burnout that has no motivation whatsoever.  And for some reason, I’m a headcase now.  Past years, I’ve been such a fighter and never let anything get to me.  This year, for some reason, I just have no confidence in myself.  Personally, I think it’s hilarious how bad I’m playing.  So hilarious in fact that even though I won ches monts last year, I’m not even going to get first seed in this year’s tournament.  HILARIOUS…ly pathetic.

I think I have an extreme amount of irrational anxiety, which may be connected to my depressionish like state the past few months.  Now I think I have performance anxiety…basically, I have no confidence in myself in anything that I do.  Tennis, violin, school…yeah you name it.  I mean, I wasn’t even this bad last year, or during the summer in fact.  I just think I suck at everything…what the hell is wrong with me?  Even though I seriously doubt it’s the reason, I think the whole situation with my grandfather and the funeral…I think it really messed me up.  A lot.  That whole experience, seeing my mom and the rest of my family so upset, and everything I had to deal with at the end of last school year…it was probably the worst and most painful experience of my life to date.  It’s so weird, because in the past few weeks, I keep thinking about it, and at times it really upsets me.  I don’t even know what does it or how it’s triggered.  I can’t even stand it anymore, and I feel so selfish feeling this way.  This year is going so well, but my insecurities and what not are making me feel like crap all the time.  And it really really sucks.

My mom’s kinda being a bitch lately too, so that doesn’t really help.  OH WAIT, when isn’t she a bitch to me? hahahahaaa…that was a good one.  Basically because of the fact that she thinks i am a “selfish, pathetic, and immature human being”, it makes it a wee bit difficult talking to her about, oh say, ANYTHING IN GENERAL.  So yeah right, like I wanna tell her about how crappy I feel like everyday.  I don’t like to talk to her about anything personal ever.  It just makes me really uncomfortable. 

My life is turning out to be a vicious cycle.