3/8/2004

I dunno what the hell this is

I really don’t understand them.  I’m serious…I am so confused by them.  It’s like, I try and do something good or maybe something they’ll appreciate, but who gives a shit?  I’ve given up trying, given up caring…I just don’t wanna deal with anything anymore.  I hate having to come home after school because I know she’s gonna give me another one of her fucking lists…a bunch of shit she claims i have to do, but basically only consists of the stuff that is god damn common sense. 

 I swear, it’s like they want to live my life for me.  I’ve asked for them to let me do things by myself, but do they care? no.  Do they think I’m actually competent enough to do anything myself?  No.  So why try?  It’s like, they have always seemed to give me hardly any independence or responsibility or freedom, and then my mom constantly tells me what a bad person I am, how I’m pathetic, and then just bitches about everything I do wrong.  Whatever.  I’ve come to expect to come home and be degraded by her.  It’s caused me to loose all faith and respect in them and myself. 

Sure, I’ve done shit in life I’ve regreted, but the fact is that I’ve done it because I feel like it won’t make a difference no matter what I do.  I always seems like I always have some obligation to her, something that I haven’t done…I just don’t wanna deal with it anymore.  I hate living here.  I’m sorry I’m not god damn perfect.  I can’t talk to them…I’ve never been able to confide in them about anything.  I’ve never had any of those heart to heart talks with either of them…I think it’s effected my ability to express my emotions.  I feel so stupid telling someone that I’m upset or angry…I don’t know why.  I just feel weak or too vulnerable or something…i dunno.  I just am sick of having to deal with it.  I don’t want them to mess with my head anymore…I think I’m screwed up enough already.