12/26/04

Hi there, bitches.

Lovely it is to have school off.  Even more lovely that it was Christmas yesterday.  Got some nice stuff…some stuff for my iPod, books, other crap that I like.  My sister got an iPod for free, unlike myself who decided to whore out the $400 so that i wouldn’t have to lug around all 2365968525 of my CD’s in Europe for 2 weeks.  That lucky slut.  I got some cool speakers for mine though which was probably around $200 anyway, so atleast my parents weren’t completely blatant about who their favorite child is.  (Note: The favorite child is actually myself.)

Christmas Eve was at my aunt’s house which was fun.  Actually, it was extremely depressing.  When I was young, there would normally be 12 people over alone for Christmas Eve dinner, and that’s excluding three people that live in New Jersey.  I though about it a great deal this year when we had a grand total of 9 people.  Four people missing…two uncles and my grandfather.  My one aunt got divorced a few years ago, my other aunt is in the process of getting divorced, and well my grandfather…obviously.  The more I noticed how empty it felt missing three significant men (not all necessarily essential or admired), the more dissapointed I felt about it.  Years ago, before any of this occured, I never though that any of these things would ever happen to my family, let alone me.  Now we were here in my aunt’s house who is getting a divorce along with her two children who were obviously upset anyway about the crap going on around them.  It made me want to cry.

Christmas day was at our house.  It seemed better…all of my mom’s side came for dinner and whatnot.  Even though only three more additional people came that day, it seemed as if the gaps had been filled from the night before.  My mom had said earlier that the kids still had to sit at their own table because she wanted to keep things the “same.”  She was obviously referring to the events of the past year.  It kind of disturbed me that she felt she had to point that out to me.

I felt so badly for my grandma.  The Christmas in over 50 years that she would without her husband.  She stayed over my aunt’s house for Christmas, which was probably the best idea since no one wanted it to be too hard on her.  I remember months ago with the whole ordeal with my grandfather…she hardly ever showed her emotions.  Of course at the funeral she did, but probably only once or twice before had I ever seen her even come close to crying.  That night of Christmas, when everyone was leaving our house, she started to cry.  And we all understood.

To tell you the truth, this year has probably been the worst year of my life.  Last school year, I was so incredibly depressed…who knows the hell why honestly.  I probably could have ended up killing myself if it hadn’t been for the distress my mom and everyone had over my grandfather.  Depression and people dying…what a fucking great spring I had.  The the entire summer I had to watch my mom get emotional every .00008 seconds and then being out for the entire day every other weekday to visit the hospital.  The oh joy, we had a break to go the Europe for 2 weeks…and of course he dies about 3 days into our vacation.  You could ask me how my trip in Europe was over the summer…and I can honestly say I hardly remember any of it.  It’s sad that when you finally get to go places you’ve wanted to for years, and you can’t even remember being there.

Anyway, I missed him a lot over Christmas.  Even people I now hate who used to be related to me…i missed them too.  I think that college will give me a fresh start and maybe for once in my life i can breathe.  But probably not.