February 4, 2023

I’m so disconnected from reality and everything that exists. Ally my days blur together and I’m moving so fast that I’m not even moving at all. I don’t mean to ignore you but instead of my empathetic self I have turned to apathy. It is so hard to be here again. In this spot, this position, this room. I’m tired of being the strong soldier that you know. It’s hard to beat my own wars of depression let alone the competitions that you have created- wanting to win, but crying so hard when I won’t let you. I care about you, yet you turn a blind eye when I suffer, winning the race but you are so green with envy; you don’t care how I feel because green is my favorite color. I don’t want to be me when I’m around you. You throw it so far in my face. So I change. I become a completely different person when I’m around you- you get upset; I’m acting different. I’m screaming so loud  that my throat becomes raw and I tire from repeating but I still shout. What do you want from me? How do you want me to be? So you can be okay, I will sacrifice the world and more but it’s still not good enough for you. You claim to like simple and you don’t care about material but you do. You complain that no one likes you but you forget that I do. I know you too well for your liking. I know you so well that I see right through you. You don’t like it; you lash out. You lash out on me and make me bleed and fault. I try and try but you hit to kill.