Walk in my shoes

 Amy,

This is the hardest battle I have ever had to face. Its like an ongoing war with no end in sight. This depression has me held prisoner in my own mind. It doesnt matter where I go, or what I do, I cant runaway from it. Its so hard to explain this darkness to people. Im beyond tired, like my body just doesnt want to response. Everything is a struggle. The pills dont work, it just makes me not as suicidal. No ones get me, because no one should feel like this, hopeless, empty. And i try to fill that void sometimes with material things, drugs, alcohol or casual sex but it doesnt last or doesnt change anything. I feel like a zombie. Just dead inside. There are those moments when I get a spur of motivation, but as soon as the thought crosses, the darkness comes up suffocates me down. My therapist says I have to give myself more credit. Easier said than done when i still mourn my old self. Let it go, they say. How do you even start when I never learned how? Its been too long. I feel Im wasting, rotting slowly but not fast enough to need this suffering. And yes i am suffering, its just that Ive gotten used to hiding it so well that sometimes I believe it, but its just replaced with numbness. I dont know whats worse,  suffering and feeling or numbness. Is scary sometimes to know I dont care about anything. That nothing motivations, moves or gives me purpose. Because honestly i dont care even about myself. Death, as frightening it is to me would be a blessing, but brought up catholic, the fear of limbo is as frightening as this depression. What if i just end up there and their is no peace? Fuck that! Ramble ramble ramble….thats how i think this journey entry is going. This is my demise, and I can write that without emotion. I cut again last week, but it didnt do anything for me. It didnt relieve the pain. It just left scars that I had to hide. Because as much as this depression has got me down, I dont share it with anyone, because how can you explain this? If you havent ever felt it, you cant understand as much as you would try. Its a horrible demon, the way your own mind can control you. Its almost like a ghost that haunts you, always around, always there. I mean I use to see depression as a comfort, because Ive dealt with it for so long, its easy to be depressed, but this depression is different. Its like being in a hole and as much as you want to climb out the more you dig yourself in, until you are so exhausted you stop trying and just let it consume you. This is hell! Fighting yourself everyday, I want to give up! I want to stop trying. And around around the battle roars on without end.

If i could drown my depression with drugs I would do it, but they dont seem to work. How many more pills, how many more therapy sessions before I can actually deal? Its a hopeless situation when everything doesnt mean anything. I use to write to you often because it helped release the words, but now its just a reminder of the life I dont have. Its that painful reality of having nothing. Grief for my old self, dont feel it but know its there. Like anomia, so close yet I rather just acknowledge it.

CRAZY! That word can not describe this. Nothing can express it. Its just a horrible place to be. Insane gives it too much credit, because you arent aware. Im aware, aware of everything and i think thats sometimes worse because I never get a break. I want to be checked out of this consist hell. The numbness is there but I can realize it and thats not a break, its just is.

I wouldnt wish this on my worse enemies. I would think its easier to fight something you can see. You cant see this or realize until its too late that its crawled into your head and now youre its bitch! They tell me realizing is the a good thing. FUCK THE BULLSHIT! Ive realized shit early on in life, how do you change it? Wheres the directions to kill this shit? But no one has the answer and they expect me to figure it out, when I rather sleep all day and dream of a better reality or constantly wish for death. They say being around other depressed people who can understand can help? I cant see that. Misery loves company and I can do misery all by myself. I just feel to fucking much! Im too sensitive. I pick up the feelings of others sometimes but its never the good emotions, its always the sad or sttressed out ones. Maybe its cuz im old now, yup 30 is old! or maybe its just that I really dont care about anything. I can lose my car, shoes, friends and I wouldnt care. Im like, whatever and thats just fucking sad.