Something has to change

Amy,

I don’t know if its growing up but, I’m feeling so weary lately. Yes more than usual. I want something to change in my life but I’m at pause while everyone is on fast forward. A little too fast and I’m just stuck not even on slow. I left the house this weekend for the longest I ever left in a while. I went up to Sac with Jimmy for the Tough Mudders race, which I have to say is insane! I couldn’t do it! But I did socialize and I’ve come back and just want to be over this depression. I want something to happen. I want life to have meaning. I want to wake up and have some great purpose. Its like watching the world in a blur. Day after day being stuck and everyone around is a blur, not even in the present just moving faster and faster. Where’s the race? I really don’t see the world like others do. My only way to get to where I need to be is going back to school in Jan. I’m afraid yet know that its the only way that I will be in my profession. Something has to change…it just keeps repeating over and over. Its not about sitting here, sounding like a broken record about the should of, could of, would of. Its about just being aware that some things have to change.

I’ve had nightmares almost every night this week. I’ve dreamt of superheroes with villains, I dreamt of just evil people and children. I dreamt of beautiful things like columns, silk dresses, gems and diamonds, exotic men and women. I dreamt of brothels and soldiers, always a good vs bad, a black and white situation. Some times I wake up and even though they are terrifying I want to go back into the dreams because at least there I’m fighting for something. Its a jam packed adventure, which is so visually striking that I wish I could describe it in words that word not only make it come alive but has elements that its easy understand. Love. That’s a big theme lately, always ending in disappointment. ALways being close to reaching that euphoria when its taken away or slips through. But here I am using my dreams as another thing to escape to when the reality of my life is too much to deal with.

My father is getting older and he needs to stop working. Has even started talking about it. I wish they could survive with just that, but how are they going to manage, when you have a depressed daughter, a daughter that doesnt do anything and a son that is not involved and holds no personal responsibility to the family. I guess that figure what caused them to have such lazy fucked up kids. Shit, I wonder everyday but it gets too much so I rather live in the clouds.

I do know God listens though. He answered my prayers the other day when I was feelings horrible. Im not surprised at that, I just think its important for me to acknowledge that moment. Something has to change….

Ive been thinking of joinginh a creative writing class. I really need some mental stimulation besides my own ego on repeat. Im just tired with my own abusive relationship. I need creative outlets to help me cope and deal. i do enjoy writing and I would like to be changed by it. I still dream on writing my story one day. I hae a beginning, tons of middle but whats the ending, cure or death? A bit melodramtic but its full of truth so why not put it out there, be honest with myself for once. I’m trying to learn to speak in facts. Makes denial harder to fall into and I really need to break up with it. Hahaha its ironic that even in my own self relationship Im afraid to face the facts. I guess I cant wonder why I have a  non existing love life or when such a crappy track record. Pausing…Fact: I have cared more about others than myself. Thats a fact, but I must not use it as a way to make me a victim, its just a fact. It has no judgement. It just is. Something has to change…