Re-connecting

Amy,

I am so thrilled that I have re connected with Jubal after 4 years. I had missed his friendship dearly. It isnt at all awkward, it just feels like we connected where we left off. How I missed him. Life has changed so much for both of us and still that same. I am trying to build my significant relationships but at the same time I dont want to put effort in my current friendships because nothing has changed at all. We are at a stand still. Its not a bad thing, it just is. I know that I havent been taking advantage of the free time that I have, but Im trying to slowly pick up all the pieces. I get distracted and find myself shutting out reality while immersing myself in books. I read sooo much. I have read up to 6 books in a week.

I long for new conversation, for new adventures. Im lonely but at the same time, its so difficult to leave the house alone without not having horrible anxiety. I dont regret cutting off the social media world, because it didnt make me feel better, just made me try to make my life more than it was, through lying and pretending that things were good. I dont want to pretend at all. Im not bad but Im sooo much better that I was before. Im working towards gettting my life back, one step at a time.

I need motivation. I need something to do for others. Make my life worth something. I think back at my early 20’s and all the amazing things that i have done. All the fears that faced. Yes, I didnt know exactly who I was but I was on a path. No more stand still, its steps forward, even baby steps. Enough is enough, I want to live my life, enjoy the little things. I need to find peace. No trying to fill that void with material things. I have more than one person needs and I know it doesnt make me happy at all. Its my being, my soul, my essecene that needs healing and peace and I will not find it when I dont do things for myself instead for the opinion of being worthy from others. I dont need to try to prove my worth to anyone. I need to believe in myself and accept and forgive. I need to let go of the shame of my past. Holding on doesnt change the past, but i can change now and tomorrow. I have to remind myself daily to believe, to trust myself and love myself. I need not just to hear my words but feel them. Think forward at least be in the moment. I want life, light, love and peace in myself. I will try, I will challenge my mind, body and ideas. No one living in my shadow of the past. I am here now, I am who I am. Change only happens when its time, and Im willing to try and do. I will harbour my strengh than belief in myself to do. I can do it. I will raise again for no one but myself. Just for myself!!!