Journal of a mad woman

Amy,

Im so restless that I cant sleep. I feel the end of the cold leaving me but im still very achy and crappy. I want to feel better but it seems no about of medicine brings that relief…ay!

So he was in town this weekend and at one point my heart jumped out of  chest remembering the fun times we shared. then I found thinking about the other guy, the one that I have to convince myself to even like. The guy that loves me unconditionally, the guy that is everytrhing I want and need but doesnt mean a thing to me. During these moments when I think of his love and kindness I want to feel something for him and I think I even convince myself a bit that it would work this time around, then like a bubble being popped, Im back to reality (or so I think) of what the true logical situation is and I find myself sighing in frustration that we just cant be. How many times have we tried and how many times have we failed? There is a point in my life when I want to get off the emotional distructive rollercoaster and Yell " This is not the ride for me! Get me off NOW!" Yet as it echoes throughout the mountains, eventually it fades in the distance and he and I forget or ignore the whispers of that yell or I pretend I never yelled and once again the horrific ride starts, only when its at the peak of dropping does my screaming begin and I flee completely.

The 2am ramblings of this mad woman! I feel like this is my life. Destructive relationship after relationship. Choosing the easy way out each time and each time ending in the same shit. When will it ever stop? When will I ever change? I take responsibility for the dumb ass mistakes I have made, but after a while when all I get is failure, I do stop and ask, Will someone help me change? That seems to be the question that has not been answered, yet the experts are aalready in place.

I hope that this will help me sleep, because I dont want to become dependent on meds and I know I cant continue down this road. Netflix has been a companion in the last couple days but after a while the restlessness creeps in and I cant sit still enough to finish a movie, let alone open a book to read. AHHHHH!!!!! Nothing seemso to help. I just want to  disappear into my dreams, where I can be free yet even that evades me at the moment. My one great resource, snatched away or more like blocked by this wicked cold virus that has made my week miserable. Lets not even begin to describe the condition of my nose after going through 4 boxes of tissue…ouch!

So here i sit rambling on, wasting time in order to feel some sort of sleep, while my fave movie plays on the computer. The lost boys! Even to this day I long to have lived my teenage years in the 80s. There is something about that era that screams coolness, not to mention the eye candy of Jason Patric. I just realized, have you noticed the great hair all the actors had in that movie? Was that how he stole my heart? Maybe its the gypsy influence that was first introduced in any movie and where I get my inspiration? Whatever the cause, I can never get tired of this movie. Bad boys, cheesy 80s, music, hotness, what more can a girl get lost in.

Well Imma go get lost in his eyes. Nite Amy.