Fear and Evolution

Amy,

Fear is such a bitch! I cant even enjoy when things are going well. I keep looking for the “bad”. Im trying really hard not to be so negative in this, but fuck me I havent been able to shake it off. I think Ive been looking at this all wrong. I have to refocus on myself again. I cant allow others emotions to effect me. He knows what the consequences are when it comes to us. I cant or wont make someone be loyal. I can only do what is best for me and if he cant be loyal, Im walking away for good.

I know I am not in this situation with him. I keep rethinking of our honest conversation last Saturday, and he has kept his word, but the past still haunts me at times. The fucking fear and doubt that i need to leave , to release. I am trying but again I find myself focused on him, when I have to focus on me. Staying at my parents tonight, helps clear my mind. It does help look at perspective. I am thrilled he is serious about us. I am even more thrilled he has started to be open about his feelings. Thats a trust and vulnerability he hadnt been able to share out loud even to himself. I dont take that lightly, I just have to refocus on my process and let him be him. I do notice how I become caught up in his needs, and overlook mine. Something I’m working on, its just in my nature to care about the other, but I have to remind myself like tonight,I have to do the same for myself. Self love and all that.

Even tonight he called me. I didnt call him. I am letting him take initiative, giving us space when I need it. In these moments it reminds me again, how much I have evolved and how much more we have evolved together. I am glad that my words last August resonated with him, it beings me peace at least in this aspect. And it means so much. It shows me we are both on the same page about us and our future. Continued evolution as an us. I look forward to what adventures  and evolutions the future bestows us.

Night Amy

-M