Dying

Oh Amy,

I am a mess. Ive been so depressed lately. I feel like dying. I realized I am in love with him and knowing that NOTHING will ever happen has affected me. Chris and I talked today and I opened up about the abuse. I felt better letting him know, but I realized that he affects me deeply. Im angery, hurt and resentful. I feel like Im being overwhelmed with all this hurt and sadness and Im afraid that I let him cause this. Yesterday was the breaking point for me. We texted (which i just deleted) and he mentioned Jp. I know he and her will be it. I know it, and it hurts sooo much. So today I ignored him, because I asked him to call me yesterday and he couldnt even do that. Im hurt by that.

So today as we went crusing through the hills, we saw his car and we stopped. He and his friend came over and even though we hugged I ignored him. He asked why I didnt text him back today and I lied and told him I didnt get it. Cris mentioned that it was obvious I was ignoring him and that he noticed it. but i have t amy. Im too involved too attacjed to his life and its not healthy for me. I want to haeal me, focus on me, get over him then maaybe can I be a friend.

This event as much as it hurt, is a taste of what I will be doing on frisay. I will beignoring him. I have to separate him. Im too hurt and these are my feelings I have to deal with. I feel like im drowning…he is the root cause of my misery and it makes reality that much harder to deal with. Imma go cry now, im in a lot of emotional turmoil bc it doesnt matter what I do, he will not care, he never did or will. So as much as I always try…I have to stop for my sanity. Dark days, amy, but i know the sun will rise soon and when it does it will shine so bright it will never be dark again.