Nothing Matters

Why is it every time something good happens to me five bad things follow?  Should I stop being so that my family doesnt get hurt anymore, so I don’t get hurt?  No matter how hard I try I still feel. 

Sometimes I wish that I was granite so that nothing could harm me and I could do a better job of protecting my family and all the ones I care about.  But if I was granite than I wouldnt care about anyone, not even myself.  It would be like being in a black hole where no matter how hard you try you can’t get out. 

I have a rather new scar on my arm, and somtimes I wonder if i should go back to cutting,  if I should go back to being that cold hearted Drug Queen that everyone feared.  The scar is not of my own makeing but it constintly grabs my eye, making me wonder what whould have happen in my life if I had kept cutting and let out all I feel.

Now all of my emotions are bottled up, twisting their way into my soul, making it so I can never forget what happened, eventhough I forgave what happened along time ago.  Maybe I should do one of my tricks that makes it so that I could puncture a lung and my intestines at the same time, altough I never would have to move from my chair.  I wonder what my parents would do if they came home and found my face on the keyboard, dead.  Whould they be heart broken? 

I wonder what Mom would do if I didn’t show up at school ever again.  Whould she even miss me?  Whould she morn my death for two minutes and then just go on with her life compleatly forgetting that one chick she helped bring back from the brink of Death?

In the End by Linken Park is playing now. 

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end it doesnt even matter

I had to fall to lose it all
but in the end it doesnt even matter

Hmm…  I think I could make a poem out of that… maybe later.

Nothing Matters
I tried so hard
And got so far
But you just killed my heart
And nothing matters in the end.

I climbed so high
Had so far to fall
But you just killed my heart
And nothing matters in the end.

Now I lay here
Broken on the grass
But you just killed my heart
And nothing matters in the end.

My soul floats away
You stand and watch it go
But you just killed my heart
And nothing matters in the end.