Feelings of Uselessness

I am feeling really really useless right now if the title didn’t give you any hints.

I just found out that what I thought to be true, is.  My best friend is now doing drugs, and she smokes, and she drinks…. what makes me feel the worst is that I am the one that introduced her to all of this.  If it wasn’t for me, then she would still my little innocent Liliah. 

Now because of me, she has almost gotten pregnet twice, and she does all sorts of drugs.  She says that she wants to stop but she just can’t.  I cant call her stupid, because I was the one that came up with the bright idea to be rebellous and try them in the first place, with the guy that had tried to rape me.  I am such a stupid moron that should die.  Friends shouldn’t let their friends do that, and they really shouldn’t have their friends do that with them. 

She just told me about how she wants to get out of her house, but she cant move in with me because she thinks that my mom will find out and that she will be kicked out and she doesn’t want to go down in my mother’s opinion.  So she is thinking about rinning away just like my other friend.  I feel so utterly useless.

My other friend Christy ran away from home, and when they brought her back she tried to commit sucide.  She took a bottle of pills and slit her wrists to help speed up the process.  They had to pump her stomach and then they sent her to a correctional thingy for a few days.  I saw her today and she looks like crap.  I mean I know that that is not nice, but I just keep thinking that if I had just done one thing, just that one thing, maybe she wouldnt have run away. 

I am so utterly useless.

I, if you havent noticed, am in a long distance relationship.  My baby is one of the smartest people that I know.  He makes me look and feel rather young.  But I don’t mind, I was told all my life that I was worthless, stupid, should be dead… you know the normal.  What makes me feel useless is when he has told me about the kind of day that he has been having and all I can do is say that I am sorry.  I can’t comfort him and hold him, like I would normally do.  I feel so utterly worthless.  I wish that  I could be there for him, and at the same time I wish that I could be here for all of my family and friends, so that they ahave a sholder to lean on and emotional support.   But appearently, I am just that girl in the corner that no one notices until they need a sholder to cry on or someone to tell their deepest secrets to, because they know that I will not  tell.  They know that I will take all the secrets to the grave.

I feel so utterly useless, I cant comfort anyone because they wont let me until I make them, and I don’t wnat to barge into their life.  I’m not like that.

Sometimes, I wish that I could just break down and cry.  But no, I’m not going to do that.  I’m the one who never shows emotion, the one who everyone dumps everything on.  I have no emotions, I have no life.  I am just a husk of a person marching through the thing called life with a robot’s reactions to everything around me.  I am useless, I am pathic, I should lay down and die.  No one would really miss me… ok maybe a few poeple…. For about ten seconds, then they would all go on about their lives and forget about me, just like everyone else.

I am worthless… sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if I had succeeded in my sucide attemps that I made a long time ago… would life be that much different?  I don’t think that it would be.  I mean if i wasn’t the one who told someone something, someone else would have done it sooner or later.  So how important am I in the scheme of things?  Not very… I am jsut a worthless husk of humanity that should be taken out and shot.

~Yours in Eternal Darkness
                                ~Alicesandressa