Wednesday

Five nights now I have had to sleep in that bed alone.  Feels like so many more. 

My exams are in the first week of October.  So, even if I have my visa by then, it makes no sense to spend $600 sitting the exams in New Mexico, so I will stay here and sit them.  It feels sort of shitty to think that I can’t leave until mid-October, but I am reminding myself that it’s actually not that far away, and at least now I have a loose time frame to consider.  The only thing that will let us down is if the visa is not approved by then, but I think it will be.

I started a resume for M and emailed it to him the other night.  He is going to fill in the blanks and start sending it out.  He is hoping to have a phone up and running this week, so people can call him about his applications. 

My brother is home from Europe and already annoying the shit out of me.  No surprise there. I just keep reminding myself that every day I can get through is one day less here, and one day closer to being with M. 

I packed a mountain of clothes and stuff for M last night.  Had to sit on the box to try and get it taped shut, and even then I didn’t feel that confident that it would stay shut, so I just kept wrapping and wrapping and wrapping it in tape.  It weighs a ton, and will cost a fortune to send, but what can I do about that?  Nothing. 

My boss is on holidays this week, so is one of the other solicitors I work for.  It is a madhouse in here, and I am still not in the right mindframe.  I am distracted and sad, and all I want to do is sit and stare out the window. 

My study has come to a standstill.  I have been avoiding going home at night, so I’m just not getting anything done.  I am still not happy with the amount of money I am spending, and am worried about the cost of shipping stuff, plus making sure there is money for M to withdraw, plus paying my mother back, plus feeding myself and putting fuel in the car.  I have resolved to keep my ass locked in my room for the next week.  That should give me a reasonable amount of time to see how much money I save by imprisoning myself, and that ought to be motivation to keep being sensible with money.  It OUGHT to be.  It’s just hard, M is gone, so I feel like I am now rich, not having to buy groceries and stuff for him.  But, I forget that he still needs those things, just on the other side of the world now.  And he is still waiting on his ATM card for his NY bank account, which has $2,500. 

It’s all so boring.

So what’s my plan?  Think about how much time I have left here, all things going to plan.  9 or 10 weeks.  Well, that feels good, I think.  9 or 10 more weeks, 9 or 10 more weekends.  Don’t think of it in days, because that feels like too many.  Don’t think of it in pay days, either, because that is scary. 

Keep working hard.  The new girl is continuing to do well, and I am still training and training and training her.  Work is a good distraction. 

Go and visit my father.  He wants me to visit in a week or two.  I need to look at flights.  Another reason to stop squandering my money. 

Visit my grandparents multiple times.

TRY to stop being so rude to my mother.  It probably isn’t rude, but I feel so guilty over the slightest things and feel as though I am being terribly rude to her. 

Continue packing and shipping boxes.  I have 3 packed boxes at home ready to go, I think I will have another 1 or 2 once I pack the last of M’s things. 

Most importantly:  Keep it together.  I have a tendency to lose my shit and smother M with complaints and whining and depression.  HIs reaction is to crack the shits, and then totally ignore me while he tries to deal with his own shit.  Then I get even worse, and stalkerish. Yuck.  I need to keep on reminding myself that we’re getting there, it’s only a short period of time compared to the other times we have had to be apart.  And this is the last time it will have to happen.  It’s all okay.