Wednesday

I got absolutely no sleep last night.  Aside from feeling unwell myself, M was coughing his lungs out all.fucking.night.  It was so bad.  I ended up calling in sick to work today, even though I was away Monday and Tuesday.  I felt slightly guilty for a few minutes but that wore off quickly after another phlegmy coughing fit and breaking out in a mad sweat.  I will be in tomorrow, and it will be shit, but there’s not much that can be done about that.

They hired my replacement – she starts on Monday.  She has a decent amount of experience, so it shouldn’t be a nightmare like the junior was the other month.  It should only be showing her our systems a few times and then letting her run with it.  

I am so fucking hungry today.  I want to eat EVERYTHING.  I HAVE eaten everything, and now I can’t find anything else to eat.  I am trotting upstairs to the kitchen constantly to check on the pot of chicken soup that M has cooking.  It won’t be ready for ages, which is sad.  I guess I will make some toast to eat while I wait on it. 

Ok. Toast now in hand. 

I am feeling the usual panic about study.  There is so much to do, so much to read.  7 assignments to do, 4 of those assignments due on consecutive days (which fall 1 week after M leaves for the US).  It’s that feeling of "how the FUCK am I going to get all of this done?"  But I do always get it done, so I guess I’ll just take it as it comes. 

Did I mention that I failed jurisprudence?  I did.  Because I gave up on it, like a coward.  It all got too hard.  I have since had that annoying epiphany that always arrives too late, and now realise what it was that I was meant to learn in that subject (not the POINT of the subject, which is completely different and still up for argument) but at least the next time I sit for it I will know what it is that I am expected to vomit onto the exam paper.

I am officially in panic mode at 2 August approaching.  On that day I will find myself here without Ernie or M.  Sleeping in an empty bed, with reminders of them everywhere and knowing I can’t see them until M finds work and we get fresh paperwork to the US Consulate.  And, to be honest, I don’t see M finding work in a timely manner.  Even though we can’t be together until that happens, he just moves so fucking slowly with every fucking thing …