Saturday

So it has been a little over 24 hours since I said goodbye to M.  I am still pretty fragile, but keeping it together for the most part.

It was awful.  We got to the airport in good time, despite leaving the house late.  M’s bags were overweight, which we anticipated.  The woman at the counter was very nice about it and let us go away and shuffle stuff around, then come back.  M just pulled a stack of stuff out and I put it in my backpack.  There has been a crack down on hand luggage, so he had to weigh his carry on and backpack, which were both really heavy.  We were running late on time by the time we finished shuffling stuff, and the carry on bags were still too heavy.  M was pissed, but what could he do?  He had to just stuff everything into a suitcase and go without stuff in the plane cabin.  In case anyone Aussies are wondering, the Qantas limits are 7kg per item of hand luggage, and you can have a maximum of 2 items.  This pretty much rules out taking a carry on suitcase, because they weigh a fair bit even when they are empty. 

So, after all the shuffing, we only had one overweight bag, so we got a coupon to take to the Qantas counter to pay $50, and then we would get M’s boarding passes.  By then, he had to go.  His plane was boarding in 5 minutes. 

We walked to the departures gate, and I just lost it.  We hugged and said goodbye, and I felt his stomach twitch while he tried not to cry.  Stupid as it sounds, that made me feel a bit better that I wasn’t the only one who was an emotional mess.  He had been fighting off panic attacks all morning as he packed his last things.  

God, it was just so awful.  I wandered out and sat and had a cigarette.  Texted him to check that he got to his gate in time.  I just wanted to get out of there, so I paid for my parking and left.  I quickly realised that I was leaving the airport without him, and started bawling my eyes out.  Losing my breath, and whimpering.  

I can’t really write too much detail here, I am feeling really upset now thinking about it all again. 

I didn’t want to go home, so I took a detour to the club where I drank a Coke and read the paper.  I went to the supermarket.  I finally came home and the bedroom didn’t smell the same.  His pyjamas were on the bed.  Ernie’s empty food bowls were still on the kitchen bench.  

Fuck, it really sucks.  

I said in the room for an hour or so, trying to watch a movie.  My mother came home and was genuinely comforting.  She knows how it feels, my father worked in China and would be away for months on end then would come home for 2 weeks, 3 if we were lucky.  She knows the feeling alright, and sympathised that we don’t have an end date as yet.  

I couldn’t bear to be here, sitting idle, unable to concentrate on anything.  So I went back to the club and sat my ass in front of a poker machine for a couple of hours.  It’s a terrible waste of money, but I was surrounded by people, I didn’t have to think, and I fucking love gambling.  By the time I came home (which was still early, around 8pm) my sleepless night was catching up with me and I was able to just lie in bed and stare at the tv.  

M texted me at 2:30am to let me know he landed in LA.  We texted for a few minutes and I went back to sleep.  We texted again when I woke up around 7am, he was waiting for his next flight.

It felt so strange to wake up alone.  To sleep alone in the bed.  Rolling over to his side so I can press up against him, and he’s not there.  Sleeping on his pillows, which feel strange because I use the squishy flat pillows and he uses the firm ones.  

I went shopping with my sister.  I went a little nuts buying bras (I bought 4) but I needed them so badly.  I needed them anyway, but since I lost weight, the bands around my body are way too loose, the cups are too big, and because I have massive norks, I now have great big rub marks under each breast because the skin is rubbing together.  It’s like a red shadow, and the skin feels rough.  It;s pretty gross.  So, I really needed to fix that problem.  

I also got a new pair of pants for work, which I hated buying.  I am only there a few months, but my current pants now look like clown pants on me.  I got a pair of skinny pants for $10 on sale, some underpants and a cardigan.  And a little clutch thingy.  I spent about $90, but I put most of that on giftcards.  

Oh, I bought a sandwich toaster, too, for $7.50.  

Between last night’s gambling losses and today’s expenditure (even if it was on giftcards) I feel pretty guilty.  The only thing I was really in need of was the work pants and bras.  

When I got home, I made a toasted sandwich and waited for M to call.  He collected Ernie safely and they are all now back at Tyler’s house.  I wish I was there.  

I have a birthday dinner to go to tonight at the pub.  I am not really looking forward to it, but I owe it to my friend, and I know I need to keep getting out of the house.

I have done a little reading for my essay today. 

It just feels really rotten to know that I have nothing to come home to, no one here that needs me.  When I am out, I think about how I want to go home, and then I remember that there’s nothing at home.  I don’t need to race home, no one is missing me.  It’s just such a weird feeling.  M and I were always rushing home to  see our doggy, I would race home from work to see both of them.  Now it’s like … all I have to do in life is to go to work, and to write my essays.  That is all I have to worry about right now.

And remember how I always complain about how I have so many things going on, so much to think about and stress over?  Now I have next to nothing, and that has made me feel miserable, too.  I really am a sad sack.

Fuck, what is wrong with me.  He’s not dead.  It’s not forever.  Suck it up.

I just need time to pass.  I might be miserable now, but I won’t be forever.  I hope to feel okay by mid-week.  And even today, I feel a bit better.  Sure, I’m fucking lonely, but I’m okay.